Play this song as you read these HUMAN spoken words: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKLER57oJpM ...As it plays, feel the unworthiness of THIS heart... Then feel the unworthiness of OUR hearts together... Then feel the grace that was provided. Then thank the Lord. Because..
He is good.
My mentor is a blessing. The disciple of His I am discipling is also a blessing. They'll meet one day. God will be glorified. God, continue to work in my heart through my mentor so that I may not lead the little one astray... I will fail. I HAVE failed. But...
He is good.
Before all of this "major life change" my BIGGEST passion was discipleship. I found worth in Him to lead his flock. I found worth in protecting the great deposit. I have been ruined by my sins though and I embrace that. The great Lord forgives me and has thankfully provided grace. The only problem resides inside of my heart, which feels completely undeserving. Nonetheless...
He is good.
I have NOTHING to gain but Christ. He has already redeemed me from my depraved state. Though people abandon, he hasn't abandoned. By the very nature of people BEING people they are sinners and will fail. You, me, them, Him... Why it surprises me is an absolute mystery really. Points at misguided faith, I think.. but let them keep leaving. They left David, ha. They left Christ-- Even though He was blameless. Truth is? Regardless of PEOPLE... HE will remain present.. and I love him. Why?...
He is good.
The holidays have been hard for me. Same goes for my mentor, who's had to work tirelessly to love on God's creations with his giftings of discernment and empathy. The holiday's have also been tough on the kat I'm discipling, for they have forced refinement. And have humbled him to a state of being... Broken. What does this say to me?...
He is good.
Inside I feel tormented by my sinful tendencies. He forgives me but I desperately wish for consistency. I wish I glorified him more... It's hard to just accept all the awful things present. I only do because he loves me through them and I WILL praise Him.
He is good.
This blog has run long. My word's are few and I pray He hold HIS power in them. Over all things, this heart yearns for Davidic authenticity, Nate-like devotion, Nick-like consistency, Matt-like love and Brent-like growth... NOTHING ELSE matters. And with a perfect 7th time I say...
HE IS GOOD.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Loneliness.
This blog seems more up and down than anything. I guess its okay. It's my true thoughts... December 20th, 2011 passed by and it felt lonelier than ever... As did Christmas eve five days later.
To be honest, I'm tired inside. I spent 2 hours today with people and the rest I spent alone. Merry Christmas huh..
I'm trying to make sense of things but the struggle to do so grows harder and harder.. God's out there but it seems like I can't feel him at times. Especially not in the form of a community... or in the form of worship...
That asshole... I guess all I can REALLY say is: ...God is good.
Send some company, would ya?
Friday, December 2, 2011
Isolation.
I get Kevie now.
She left because of the dishonesty. Wow, I should've seen that. I was dishonest in my pursuit of my own sin. Sucks to realize months and months later but better late than never. It's a shame that I lost her as a person. She may have had quirks but she was a child of the Lord...
Me realizing later than never, however, implies that God is still working in me as opposed to not working at all. I made a lot of mistakes and they have not become real to me until 18 days before the anniversary of my marriage... I am a failure in a lot of ways. I only ask God to pick this failure up. I'm asking for forgiveness...
What's ironic is my biggest fear was failure before ANY of this... I have faced it though. Trust me. More than anything, I have failed at not being a failure. And it has empowered me to see that I will always be one.
Grace, however, how amazing you are... I apologize for the random nature of this blog but its REAL. It's a streaming thought of my true self... its nothing short of authentic... This morning, I kept yelling at God because I felt like I was losing everything and that He was leaving me alone in this. I kept yelling all kinds of things at Him...
But when it came to yelling at Him what I REALLY wanted to say-- which was "I feel alone" --I... Couldn't say it. And I thought... WHY THE HELL. I feel the presence of NO ONE but yet... I don't feel alone. Then I realized...
He was always here.
Doesn't matter if I feel him or if others are around. He's here. He's watching me be a failure. He's watching me disobey. He's watching me on the occasion that I ACTUALLY obey. He's watching me when I sleep. He's watching me when I eat and say, "I don't like praying in public cuz I feel like its all for show"... Doesn't matter what Im doing, he's WATCHING me. I could ramble and try to sound smart in all of this? But really... I just want to scream ONE THING at the top of my lungs:
HE'S HERE. And I've been a fool. Even though no one physically has been in the room at times... He's been here. Just watching me hurt Him. Over and over and over again.
Makes me beg the question... WHY are you so good?.. To me..
She left because of the dishonesty. Wow, I should've seen that. I was dishonest in my pursuit of my own sin. Sucks to realize months and months later but better late than never. It's a shame that I lost her as a person. She may have had quirks but she was a child of the Lord...
Me realizing later than never, however, implies that God is still working in me as opposed to not working at all. I made a lot of mistakes and they have not become real to me until 18 days before the anniversary of my marriage... I am a failure in a lot of ways. I only ask God to pick this failure up. I'm asking for forgiveness...
What's ironic is my biggest fear was failure before ANY of this... I have faced it though. Trust me. More than anything, I have failed at not being a failure. And it has empowered me to see that I will always be one.
Grace, however, how amazing you are... I apologize for the random nature of this blog but its REAL. It's a streaming thought of my true self... its nothing short of authentic... This morning, I kept yelling at God because I felt like I was losing everything and that He was leaving me alone in this. I kept yelling all kinds of things at Him...
But when it came to yelling at Him what I REALLY wanted to say-- which was "I feel alone" --I... Couldn't say it. And I thought... WHY THE HELL. I feel the presence of NO ONE but yet... I don't feel alone. Then I realized...
He was always here.
Doesn't matter if I feel him or if others are around. He's here. He's watching me be a failure. He's watching me disobey. He's watching me on the occasion that I ACTUALLY obey. He's watching me when I sleep. He's watching me when I eat and say, "I don't like praying in public cuz I feel like its all for show"... Doesn't matter what Im doing, he's WATCHING me. I could ramble and try to sound smart in all of this? But really... I just want to scream ONE THING at the top of my lungs:
HE'S HERE. And I've been a fool. Even though no one physically has been in the room at times... He's been here. Just watching me hurt Him. Over and over and over again.
Makes me beg the question... WHY are you so good?.. To me..
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Acceptance.
Life forms a repetitive circle. Let's call it God's way of restoring a world once created perfectly. The process goes: Creation, Fall, Redemption, Consummation. Through every life experience-- failure and triumph --this process is active. And through God's empowerment, we are given the ability to witness it... Often times, we miss it though. Either way, the redeemed experience all four continuously in a circle throughout life. This is often referred to as the process of sanctification.
I was created to be an extension of His glory but because of my fall and love of sin, which affected both my flesh and soul, I now echo the same cry of depravity as this world. However, I was created in the image of God. And my redemption comes only after my repentance and full surrender to He who created me... who yearns for me. His desire for me is a cathartic, cleansing love that refines me past my fallenness and likens me to my beautiful Savior... (Random sidenote: Sounds like a water purifier?)
All who hear him are covered. All who hear him WILL listen. None of this is possible, however, without the continual and relentless pursuance of acceptance (or as some call it "surrender to His will"). And acceptance can only happen after we have fully realized the gravity of our condition and the insecurities we secretly carry and cater to by being insecure (also known as repentance). In this moment of realization-- which many call "seeing God's love" and others call "realizing the fear-worthiness of Gods power" and others call "God's grace" and others call "God's holy truth" (let's just agree to call it a "Experiencing God") --Only one thing becomes apparent: God is beautiful. I am not. and Here is my most recent moment of acceptance to complete His most recent cycle of "creation, fall, redemption, consummation" for me in what is my most up-to-date insecurities...
In March of this past year, after living in a deeply rooted sinful state, I became revealed and in the process reaped the consequences that bore fruit from my failures. I often struggled against those who attempted to help me, and continuously fed my oppressors and defenders reasons to doubt me. I now sit here 9 months later humbled, remorseful, FULLY repentant and acceptant. And it's time to haul ass back to the foot of the cross because He's been calling my name this entire time and I have pridefully ignored him. I have approached him only in anger and resentment and I have treated his people without the same grace I had been asking for. I need him, have always needed him and will continuously need him. I Use to say that "God is good" all the time and...
Nothings changed. God is STILL good.. It was just redefined for me through that one repetitive circle.
I was created to be an extension of His glory but because of my fall and love of sin, which affected both my flesh and soul, I now echo the same cry of depravity as this world. However, I was created in the image of God. And my redemption comes only after my repentance and full surrender to He who created me... who yearns for me. His desire for me is a cathartic, cleansing love that refines me past my fallenness and likens me to my beautiful Savior... (Random sidenote: Sounds like a water purifier?)
All who hear him are covered. All who hear him WILL listen. None of this is possible, however, without the continual and relentless pursuance of acceptance (or as some call it "surrender to His will"). And acceptance can only happen after we have fully realized the gravity of our condition and the insecurities we secretly carry and cater to by being insecure (also known as repentance). In this moment of realization-- which many call "seeing God's love" and others call "realizing the fear-worthiness of Gods power" and others call "God's grace" and others call "God's holy truth" (let's just agree to call it a "Experiencing God") --Only one thing becomes apparent: God is beautiful. I am not. and Here is my most recent moment of acceptance to complete His most recent cycle of "creation, fall, redemption, consummation" for me in what is my most up-to-date insecurities...
In March of this past year, after living in a deeply rooted sinful state, I became revealed and in the process reaped the consequences that bore fruit from my failures. I often struggled against those who attempted to help me, and continuously fed my oppressors and defenders reasons to doubt me. I now sit here 9 months later humbled, remorseful, FULLY repentant and acceptant. And it's time to haul ass back to the foot of the cross because He's been calling my name this entire time and I have pridefully ignored him. I have approached him only in anger and resentment and I have treated his people without the same grace I had been asking for. I need him, have always needed him and will continuously need him. I Use to say that "God is good" all the time and...
Nothings changed. God is STILL good.. It was just redefined for me through that one repetitive circle.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Depression.
It's gotten face to face with this word. Enough people read this blog and they would think I was doing it for show... Honestly? This is just my outlet. Aside from prayer... This is my only escape. What else do I have?
I hate me... and I think I'm capable of all things. I dislike me... but would rather be me than a LOT of people. It's like a self-confidence mixed with a severe hatred for self.. Somewhere in there it makes sense. I don't have much to say for this post... I just know I'm tired of being wrong and making erroneous choices. I regret a LOT of things and wish I had thought them through better. In general, I wish I was just... better. OR at least someone else... I hate everything envolved with my situation.. EVERTHING. I need guidance. I need help..... I need... EVERYTHING. Wish someone could hear me.
God. Help me... Please, Send help.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Value.
I'm not sure of my relationship with this word. I know that I don't see it when I look in the mirror anymore... Probably because I've been told by a lot of former active communities that my relationship with that word can only be found with the Almighty because they aren't willing to do anything in regards to association with me. I've almost become unlovable in the backyard of our nations "Bible belt".
I did an internship in New Mexico during my time in college and I have been excommunicated from that community. Asked to cut various social ties. One individual even saying that I, "tempt them towards sin".
I was shortly related, and had various connections with, a lot of the people in the states largest church body and all those relationships have slowly revealed their conditional natures. I've been deleted and blocked from facebook and social ties have also been cut.
I had connected to a church BUILT on words like "grace", "redemption" and "forgiveness" right after getting my bachelors and they too have expressed a need to keep me away from their "spiritual community"... whatever THAT means.
I'm alone. I have a handful a friends, if family members even count, and there aren't many souls on this earth willing to take me seriously. More than that, they aren't willing to talk to me like a human. It feels like I've been dehumanized actually. I could go off about how this is a horrible aspect to today's "American Christian Church" but whats the point... they'll do what they are: Sinners sin.
Lack of community is not the sole problem in my life right now, but because I'm an extrovert, its the one that sometime hurts the most. I have next to no acquaintances. Financially, I'm where you'd expect an individual to be after graduating from a private christian college. My morale is shit but deep inside I know I can't afford spending time licking my wounds. I've done wrong and have sinned and my Lord holds me accountable. Humiliation, loss of respect, loss of integrity, loss of friendships and loss of career have been fitting punishments. Unfortunately, there are those who seek for their own interpretation of justice and I have to accept their crafted consequences too. Excommunication is deemed necessary.
What is value. Is it finding pleasure in what you see in the mirror? do people actually do that? I don't. I see sinner. I understand the Image of God is fingerprinted all over us... but all I can see is the fallen apple biting sinner. The only difference between me and any other sinner in this world is that my sins were aired publicly and the attention my personhood draws build my coffin. For those who sit comfortably in their sin... be warned: The Lord is fair and punishes all sins the same. Be merciful if you wish for mercy.
I don't know how much sense this makes. I hope some... to someone... to anyone. The first chance I get, I'm moving far away from this materialistic, legalistic, business-oriented, graceless area... but will do so in effort to conquer my bitterness towards it while finding some kinds of communal acceptance. Like I said, its not the most important thing in the world...
...but it is the one that hurts the most. May God forgive all involved.
I did an internship in New Mexico during my time in college and I have been excommunicated from that community. Asked to cut various social ties. One individual even saying that I, "tempt them towards sin".
I was shortly related, and had various connections with, a lot of the people in the states largest church body and all those relationships have slowly revealed their conditional natures. I've been deleted and blocked from facebook and social ties have also been cut.
I had connected to a church BUILT on words like "grace", "redemption" and "forgiveness" right after getting my bachelors and they too have expressed a need to keep me away from their "spiritual community"... whatever THAT means.
I'm alone. I have a handful a friends, if family members even count, and there aren't many souls on this earth willing to take me seriously. More than that, they aren't willing to talk to me like a human. It feels like I've been dehumanized actually. I could go off about how this is a horrible aspect to today's "American Christian Church" but whats the point... they'll do what they are: Sinners sin.
Lack of community is not the sole problem in my life right now, but because I'm an extrovert, its the one that sometime hurts the most. I have next to no acquaintances. Financially, I'm where you'd expect an individual to be after graduating from a private christian college. My morale is shit but deep inside I know I can't afford spending time licking my wounds. I've done wrong and have sinned and my Lord holds me accountable. Humiliation, loss of respect, loss of integrity, loss of friendships and loss of career have been fitting punishments. Unfortunately, there are those who seek for their own interpretation of justice and I have to accept their crafted consequences too. Excommunication is deemed necessary.
What is value. Is it finding pleasure in what you see in the mirror? do people actually do that? I don't. I see sinner. I understand the Image of God is fingerprinted all over us... but all I can see is the fallen apple biting sinner. The only difference between me and any other sinner in this world is that my sins were aired publicly and the attention my personhood draws build my coffin. For those who sit comfortably in their sin... be warned: The Lord is fair and punishes all sins the same. Be merciful if you wish for mercy.
I don't know how much sense this makes. I hope some... to someone... to anyone. The first chance I get, I'm moving far away from this materialistic, legalistic, business-oriented, graceless area... but will do so in effort to conquer my bitterness towards it while finding some kinds of communal acceptance. Like I said, its not the most important thing in the world...
...but it is the one that hurts the most. May God forgive all involved.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Jealousy.
This little thing will eat you alive if you let it. Richard L. Strauss puts it like this:
"Jealousy is an ugly word... It overtones of selfishness, suspicion, and distrust, and implies a hideous resentment or hostility toward other people because they enjoy some advantage. IT is possessive, demanding, and overbearing... It stifles freedom and individuality, it degrades and demeans, it breeds tension and discord, it destroys friendships and marriages."
Now me personally, jealousy has never been something I've consistently struggled with (that may be slightly revealing as you continue reading). I've had my bouts with it but I struggle more in other areas. I have, however, witnessed first hand what it can do and I'd be lying if I didn't mention that I've been feeling it creep up on me as of late. In my workplace, in my relationships, in what I don't have... It's starting to appear. But let's look at it redemptively. Check it:
"I the Lord your God am a jealous God." - ESV
Confusing, no? Well, maybe not. Sinful jealousy seems to be a perverse version of caring like Strauss echos-- to the point where you want what you DON'T have and focus too much on others. The opposite sin then seems to be negligence which is not caring enough for others and caring only about self-- to the point of being uninvolved or unloving towards people and even unaware of their personal and societal pains. So then, how could God be a jealous God? Well, by what WE understand jealousy to be in this world... He's not. He literally CAN'T be our form of jealousy. It's gotta be a divine jealousy 'cuz He has all of Creation and the beloved in his hands... He's not wishing to have them, he HAS them. He loves them. They will spend eternity with Him. And in contrast we know Gods not what a Deist would have you to believe-- A disconnected God that made the world and walked away from it negligently. He loves Creation so much as a whole, and specifically for His beloved, to do that!
As humanity, and more specifically as those who are His beloved, we should strive to care for others, as well as ourselves, 'til it hurts. Even attempting to put ourselves soooo deep in their shoes that we laugh when they do and cry when they do too. All the while, NEVER wanting what we don't have.. that could actually be extremely tough in such an extreme level of empathy. At the same time, remembering that not seeking after others, or self, negligently puts us in a position of unawareness to an ENTIRE aspect of God: Humans as Creation. Made in Imago Dei.
To be so deeply uninvolved with others would almost tempt us to believe that we were the extent of his Creation, don't you think? Anyone know a narcissist? Now that I think about it... overly negligent people tend to be narcissistic and over jealous people tend to have extremely low self esteem... Fancy that. To wrap up, I really believe that if we seek to understand jealousy and neglect at the same time, we can catch a glimpse of what the real root of all this is. We should care LIKE God and stray from the pitfalls that are not caring (negligence) and perversely caring (jealousy). Especially if you claim to be one of His beloved. Love the Lord your God for he is jealous. I'm out.
Sidenote: I guess Jealousy could also be negligence of SELF?
"Jealousy is an ugly word... It overtones of selfishness, suspicion, and distrust, and implies a hideous resentment or hostility toward other people because they enjoy some advantage. IT is possessive, demanding, and overbearing... It stifles freedom and individuality, it degrades and demeans, it breeds tension and discord, it destroys friendships and marriages."
Now me personally, jealousy has never been something I've consistently struggled with (that may be slightly revealing as you continue reading). I've had my bouts with it but I struggle more in other areas. I have, however, witnessed first hand what it can do and I'd be lying if I didn't mention that I've been feeling it creep up on me as of late. In my workplace, in my relationships, in what I don't have... It's starting to appear. But let's look at it redemptively. Check it:
"I the Lord your God am a jealous God." - ESV
Confusing, no? Well, maybe not. Sinful jealousy seems to be a perverse version of caring like Strauss echos-- to the point where you want what you DON'T have and focus too much on others. The opposite sin then seems to be negligence which is not caring enough for others and caring only about self-- to the point of being uninvolved or unloving towards people and even unaware of their personal and societal pains. So then, how could God be a jealous God? Well, by what WE understand jealousy to be in this world... He's not. He literally CAN'T be our form of jealousy. It's gotta be a divine jealousy 'cuz He has all of Creation and the beloved in his hands... He's not wishing to have them, he HAS them. He loves them. They will spend eternity with Him. And in contrast we know Gods not what a Deist would have you to believe-- A disconnected God that made the world and walked away from it negligently. He loves Creation so much as a whole, and specifically for His beloved, to do that!
As humanity, and more specifically as those who are His beloved, we should strive to care for others, as well as ourselves, 'til it hurts. Even attempting to put ourselves soooo deep in their shoes that we laugh when they do and cry when they do too. All the while, NEVER wanting what we don't have.. that could actually be extremely tough in such an extreme level of empathy. At the same time, remembering that not seeking after others, or self, negligently puts us in a position of unawareness to an ENTIRE aspect of God: Humans as Creation. Made in Imago Dei.
To be so deeply uninvolved with others would almost tempt us to believe that we were the extent of his Creation, don't you think? Anyone know a narcissist? Now that I think about it... overly negligent people tend to be narcissistic and over jealous people tend to have extremely low self esteem... Fancy that. To wrap up, I really believe that if we seek to understand jealousy and neglect at the same time, we can catch a glimpse of what the real root of all this is. We should care LIKE God and stray from the pitfalls that are not caring (negligence) and perversely caring (jealousy). Especially if you claim to be one of His beloved. Love the Lord your God for he is jealous. I'm out.
Sidenote: I guess Jealousy could also be negligence of SELF?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Divorce.
December 20th, 2009 - July 19th, 2011.
Pretty sure my soul hurts.
Pretty sure I feel and felt lost in that court room. Pretty sure I sat there and watched as she laughed and giggled minutes before the judge entered and granted her our divorce. Pretty sure I kept repeating Psalms 131-1-2 as they walked out of the courtroom and as she testified. Pretty sure I cried last night as I read Psalms 32. Pretty sure I've cried this entire time. Pretty sure I've failed in this marriage. Pretty sure I've lied. Pretty sure I've hid (which is also why I cried after reading Psalms 32) and I'm pretty sure I'm tired of my sinful ways. Pretty sure I'm mad I can't control anything around me. Pretty sure a lot of people hate me. Pretty sure some of their reasons for doing so are true and pretty sure a lot of them are also not... but I'm pretty sure no one cares. And pretty sure it won't matter.
Pretty sure no one let me know what to do when the divorce was filed. Pretty sure I lost my ability to say anything, according to the legal system, 20 days after that. Pretty sure I better dive into Psalms 51 again when I get home. Pretty sure there's nothing left to confess to my Lord in what I've done. Pretty sure I did that because of Psalms 32. Pretty sure He's assured me of his love for me. Pretty sure it's enough. Pretty sure I'm learning to let go of all this. Pretty sure it'll take time. Pretty sure I'd love for people to pray for me. Pretty sure I'd appreciate for the youth pastor of Grace Community Church, Roswell, NM to stop talking about me. Pretty sure that'll be the only cheap shot I take in this blog. Pretty sure I'll regret that later. Pretty sure I regret that now...
Pretty sure my soul hurts.
Pretty sure my soul hurts.
Pretty sure I feel and felt lost in that court room. Pretty sure I sat there and watched as she laughed and giggled minutes before the judge entered and granted her our divorce. Pretty sure I kept repeating Psalms 131-1-2 as they walked out of the courtroom and as she testified. Pretty sure I cried last night as I read Psalms 32. Pretty sure I've cried this entire time. Pretty sure I've failed in this marriage. Pretty sure I've lied. Pretty sure I've hid (which is also why I cried after reading Psalms 32) and I'm pretty sure I'm tired of my sinful ways. Pretty sure I'm mad I can't control anything around me. Pretty sure a lot of people hate me. Pretty sure some of their reasons for doing so are true and pretty sure a lot of them are also not... but I'm pretty sure no one cares. And pretty sure it won't matter.
Pretty sure no one let me know what to do when the divorce was filed. Pretty sure I lost my ability to say anything, according to the legal system, 20 days after that. Pretty sure I better dive into Psalms 51 again when I get home. Pretty sure there's nothing left to confess to my Lord in what I've done. Pretty sure I did that because of Psalms 32. Pretty sure He's assured me of his love for me. Pretty sure it's enough. Pretty sure I'm learning to let go of all this. Pretty sure it'll take time. Pretty sure I'd love for people to pray for me. Pretty sure I'd appreciate for the youth pastor of Grace Community Church, Roswell, NM to stop talking about me. Pretty sure that'll be the only cheap shot I take in this blog. Pretty sure I'll regret that later. Pretty sure I regret that now...
Pretty sure my soul hurts.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Recovery.
I feel like I've been in some crazy sledge hammer accident over the last few months.
March felt like I got SMACKED with the actual sledge hammer. April felt like... Well.. like I laid on the ground unconscious BECAUSE of it. May felt like the worst hangover ever! (The kind where you wake up and can't judge or remember ANYTHING). June felt like I had to relearn how to stand up and walk again and so far July has felt like I've been trying to run on fresh injuries and they're starting to ache... (Sidenote: Doctor's have always had to tell me to take it easy after accidents and surgeries).
Who knows what August will be like...I'm willing to learn though. First things first, I gotta be on the look out for sledge hammer attacks and start carrying a bottle of Aspirin. While I'm at it, I need to stop trying to run. God's timing HAS to be enough. Scratch that, It IS enough... I'm just sinful and become misguided too... Anyways, Can I just say that I'm beyond blessed? I mean REALLY... I am. I'm still His child. I'm still part of the beloved. He still loves me and forgives me of all things... Regardless of what others may say or think...
Thats how powerful My GOD is. Or should I say... how GOOD he is.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Contentment.
I mean... God is good. For REAAL. I'm still a sinner that battles his grubby ol' self, but that isn't a reflection on Him. He's ALL good. And in being so, he's led me to a place of contentment. It took a twisty time frame of 4 months, but God finally showed me what the next year of life will look like. It's gonna involve some discipline, communal attention, favorable changes, and ultimately, a focus on what it means to handle success from the standpoint of being a member of the redeemed.
Since the beginning of May, I've been working at Signature Bank of Arkansas. It was truly a blessing when they called me confirming my employment and it has been a bigger blessing to be employed by them. The CEO of Signature, Gary Head, works inside the same building as I do and I can't help but comment on how he carries himself. He greets everyone. He asks them how they are doing-- and then listens. He then tries to aid ALL in any way he can too. In fact, most of our customers know they can walk in without an appointment and he will figure out a circus act to put them in his schedule that day. Not next week over coffee (ahem, pastors)... Not over lunch "sometime"... THAT DAY. During my training-- before he knew me --he told me, "Mr. Erick. Welcome to the family. I MEAN this, if there's ANYTHING I can do for you, please let me know." Really spoke to me... And to follow that up, he's still asks me that today. But Anyways, enough about Signature...
Since the beginning of June, I've been learning the trade of bar tending at this nice little classy venue and It's been extremely fun. I've met a LOT of nice/looooving people. For those Christians who have vendetta's against alcohol, please go talk with your local Presbyterian or even Lutheran pastor over the historical role of alcohol within our church history. Not to argue, but to be enlightened (most of our newer churches have no clue about our christian history). Anyways, ask them about some of our most iconic Christian fathers and see what they thought of drinking. If nothing else, check out the bible for yourself. Read Proverbs 31:1-9 and Psalms 104 (specifically verse 15). Feed your mind. But anyways, let's move on. Along with bar tending, I'm about to start working at a classy Italian restaurant as a server/bartender too. Ironically, I got this job by being really nice -- Like Christ, and to a smaller extend, Gary Head --To the owner of the place who comes by the bank all the time. Funny part is I didn't know he was the owner of anything. I just thought I was helping, meeting and greeting. Anyways, as the story goes, he eventually approached me and asked if I'd be interested in putting myself to work at his place on weekends. Now tell me, is good God? hah... it gets better.
I checked out an "up-and-coming hip-hop scene" last night and got to rap in front of a small crowd with this other local artist and was asked to hit up this place called, "The Lit". Apparently they do an open mic rap thing at this place every Sunday night... Needless to say, I'm going. Pretty crazy, huh. To top all of this, I was also asked to be a "regularly performing act on Tuesday nights" for a soon-to-be-disclosed venue (baaaallin'). They want to start appealing to college aged people since there's 3 colleges in the area and would like me to solidify that.. Again... Didn't ask to do this, I was ASKED to do it. It's insane. From what we got to discuss, this would be something I could do regularly every Tuesday and would really pick up during the fall-- once college students got in. Make money for rapping? Nice deal, if you ask me.
All I can say about ANY of this is... God is good. I pray he keeps me focused. I'm blessed.. I have a new place, several sources of income, an active hobby, people interested in my well being and an active community. God is just sooo good... I mean, the only major need left really is a church home, which... I'll find soon :) FYI, This will be the last personal blog I do. I'm gonna stick to a different format going forward. Why?... Well, what more would you need to know that you can't ask me?-- I'm out.
Since the beginning of May, I've been working at Signature Bank of Arkansas. It was truly a blessing when they called me confirming my employment and it has been a bigger blessing to be employed by them. The CEO of Signature, Gary Head, works inside the same building as I do and I can't help but comment on how he carries himself. He greets everyone. He asks them how they are doing-- and then listens. He then tries to aid ALL in any way he can too. In fact, most of our customers know they can walk in without an appointment and he will figure out a circus act to put them in his schedule that day. Not next week over coffee (ahem, pastors)... Not over lunch "sometime"... THAT DAY. During my training-- before he knew me --he told me, "Mr. Erick. Welcome to the family. I MEAN this, if there's ANYTHING I can do for you, please let me know." Really spoke to me... And to follow that up, he's still asks me that today. But Anyways, enough about Signature...
Since the beginning of June, I've been learning the trade of bar tending at this nice little classy venue and It's been extremely fun. I've met a LOT of nice/looooving people. For those Christians who have vendetta's against alcohol, please go talk with your local Presbyterian or even Lutheran pastor over the historical role of alcohol within our church history. Not to argue, but to be enlightened (most of our newer churches have no clue about our christian history). Anyways, ask them about some of our most iconic Christian fathers and see what they thought of drinking. If nothing else, check out the bible for yourself. Read Proverbs 31:1-9 and Psalms 104 (specifically verse 15). Feed your mind. But anyways, let's move on. Along with bar tending, I'm about to start working at a classy Italian restaurant as a server/bartender too. Ironically, I got this job by being really nice -- Like Christ, and to a smaller extend, Gary Head --To the owner of the place who comes by the bank all the time. Funny part is I didn't know he was the owner of anything. I just thought I was helping, meeting and greeting. Anyways, as the story goes, he eventually approached me and asked if I'd be interested in putting myself to work at his place on weekends. Now tell me, is good God? hah... it gets better.
I checked out an "up-and-coming hip-hop scene" last night and got to rap in front of a small crowd with this other local artist and was asked to hit up this place called, "The Lit". Apparently they do an open mic rap thing at this place every Sunday night... Needless to say, I'm going. Pretty crazy, huh. To top all of this, I was also asked to be a "regularly performing act on Tuesday nights" for a soon-to-be-disclosed venue (baaaallin'). They want to start appealing to college aged people since there's 3 colleges in the area and would like me to solidify that.. Again... Didn't ask to do this, I was ASKED to do it. It's insane. From what we got to discuss, this would be something I could do regularly every Tuesday and would really pick up during the fall-- once college students got in. Make money for rapping? Nice deal, if you ask me.
All I can say about ANY of this is... God is good. I pray he keeps me focused. I'm blessed.. I have a new place, several sources of income, an active hobby, people interested in my well being and an active community. God is just sooo good... I mean, the only major need left really is a church home, which... I'll find soon :) FYI, This will be the last personal blog I do. I'm gonna stick to a different format going forward. Why?... Well, what more would you need to know that you can't ask me?-- I'm out.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Perseverance.
Perseverance. A steady persistence in a course of action, state or purpose despite difficulties, obstacles or discouragement. MAN, that sounds great out loud :) Not gonna lie, I've got R. Kelly's song, "I Believe I Can Fly," playing in the background right now with a mental picture of Michael Jordan airborne towards a basket in my head. It's epic. It makes me smile. One, because it takes me back to when I first saw the movie "Space Jam" (I was like 11 years old) and two, because it motivates me in the obvious metaphorical way. Cheesy or not, there's probably billions of people my age who can envision the same thing.
This is especially motivating because of all of the "blessings" God has poured on me in the last week, ha. I say "blessings" because thats what my sister and dad called them. Not that I don't see them as blessings, although I AM needing help spotting them lately, I just want to give credit to the people who are actively speaking truth and grace back into my heart. That's not a shot intended at anyone, although I understand that it could be perceived like that. I pray God keeps that kind of bitterness outside of my heart. Both my father and my sister have been great though. I'm proud to be part of a Franco lineage that includes a lot of strong willed, successful, smart and "stat defying" individuals. A lot of times to a fault, but nothing grace can't cover. I only know all this is true because I had to do a Genogram for one of my undergrad classes and a lot of these traits kept reoccurring. I really hope I add to this proud family (We are Franco).
Anyway, Here's where I'm at inside: I am faithless but in pursuit of the faithful one. I am prideful but in pursuit of the potter. I am a sinner but in pursuit of refinement. I am broken but in pursuit of more brokenness. May not make sense to anyone, but that's okay. Everyones going through their own process. My mood's been great though because I really HAVE had a lot of blessings poured on me as of late (check other blog for more). In general, perseverance is a hard thing... but with a good cast of God's gracious people, a willing heart and a need for perseverance ... God can bring attention to our areas of growth and empower us with the ability of perseverance. Basically, I believe I can fly-- because God does.
He's Good, huh.
This is especially motivating because of all of the "blessings" God has poured on me in the last week, ha. I say "blessings" because thats what my sister and dad called them. Not that I don't see them as blessings, although I AM needing help spotting them lately, I just want to give credit to the people who are actively speaking truth and grace back into my heart. That's not a shot intended at anyone, although I understand that it could be perceived like that. I pray God keeps that kind of bitterness outside of my heart. Both my father and my sister have been great though. I'm proud to be part of a Franco lineage that includes a lot of strong willed, successful, smart and "stat defying" individuals. A lot of times to a fault, but nothing grace can't cover. I only know all this is true because I had to do a Genogram for one of my undergrad classes and a lot of these traits kept reoccurring. I really hope I add to this proud family (We are Franco).
Anyway, Here's where I'm at inside: I am faithless but in pursuit of the faithful one. I am prideful but in pursuit of the potter. I am a sinner but in pursuit of refinement. I am broken but in pursuit of more brokenness. May not make sense to anyone, but that's okay. Everyones going through their own process. My mood's been great though because I really HAVE had a lot of blessings poured on me as of late (check other blog for more). In general, perseverance is a hard thing... but with a good cast of God's gracious people, a willing heart and a need for perseverance ... God can bring attention to our areas of growth and empower us with the ability of perseverance. Basically, I believe I can fly-- because God does.
He's Good, huh.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Confused.
I don't want this feeling inside. It's eating me. I tried to be a bit more detailed about it in my other blog but even then I do this feeling no justice. It's massive. It's choking my heart. It's screaming for intimacy. It's screaming for vulnerability.... For transparency. How come I never yearned for this before? Have I been that selfish? Have I been that blind?... Apparently. I've built walls in my soul trying to tame insecurity, limit rejection and eliminate failure... but nothing built by the human consciousness can stop insecurity, rejection and failure from occurring. I'm an IDIOT.
All one can do is put themselves out there and seek people who love them... and in the process, do the same in return. KNOWING that insecurity, rejection and failure are inevitable. KNOWING that it will involve horrible pain and bouts with trust, faith, jealousy, anger, grace, love, self identity, envy, etc... I mean, it's like I learn more about the blog titles that I write about as I go. God's definitely leading me somewhere... Holy Father, hear me. Lead this sinner from his vices. See this heart and its wishes and grant only the ones that coincide with your will.... and KNOW that I wish I hadn't said that as I say it. Ironically... Paul says something similar in Romans 7:14-20:
"For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I don't understand my own actions. For I don't do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I don't want, I agree with the law that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me that is my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I don't do the good I want, but the evil I don't want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I don't want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells with me."
Maybe this is just a confusion stemming from a heart wrestling with the fact that God is good. Augustine was right.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Anger.
I'm FUMING.. There are several examples of Christ getting angry, right? At Peter, in the temple... Word is, he remained sinless though. I probably won't be as graceful but I'm gonna try to share my anger.. So let's do this (I hope a few select/creepy people read this in the process).
I was at work the other day and 2 extremely pretty girls from a new liquor store in town came and asked to set up a booth advertising their products. It was obvious why these 2 specific girls were sent too. They were bait. And both of them were around 21-ish years old-- meaning, barely legal to work at a liquor store to begin with. Within minutes, they were bombarded by drooling dudes of ALL ages-- and of both marital statuses. One of the girls, as claimed by my onlooking 30-year-old-ish friend, gave me the "go" as she came up to my work area and asked what to him seemed like an "excuse question"--Meaning, a made up a question to come swing by my area.
This caused my friend to encourage me into pursuing her. I declined and replied with things like "That ain't me" and "I've got way to much already on my plate from that realm of life"... (That was my way of saying I'm going through a divorce that I'm largely responsible for in public).. What did he do? He teased me. Said I was a "feely-kinda-guy" and that I was "the sensitive type". He even flirted with calling me a "chicken"-- Oooookay.. Rejection from a girl is hardly a big deal. And to be honest, it didn't happen often. When it did, life went on. Those 2 girls sat at their little booth for a total of three to four hours and one of them, according to my good ol' friend, eye-balled my way the entire time--- Meaning, I got teased for three to four hours by a 30-year-old male.
I tell this story for one reason: A lot of people think I am some type of womanizer. And others think some far worse things.. My question is, how the heck would you know if you're not around me or care to talk to me? Please keep your own insecurities in check. Mr. Erick has had several advances from females of ages 30 to 20 in the past few months (most of them VERBAL) and most of them in the context of partying and drinking. Where will you find me though? At home. Blogging. Reading Wikipedia. Reading theology. Sorting bills. Moving furniture. Working. Womanizer? Really? I struggle more with wanting to down a bottle in solitude. Or even depending on relational intimacy from someone I already know. Want to know about me? Ask me. I'm a sinner and will point you to my shortcomings if they please you. However, don't be mislead by what you wish I was or wasn't or by what you wish YOU were or even aren't. I'm struggling to obey Christ too.
I shouldn't care what people think. I realize this. No excuse for it. Maybe sharing this is the start of me letting it go and if it isn't then shame on me. I pray Christ continues to reveal ACTUAL areas that I should work on. Dear audience, I'm going to abruptly peace out with this: God is good.
I was at work the other day and 2 extremely pretty girls from a new liquor store in town came and asked to set up a booth advertising their products. It was obvious why these 2 specific girls were sent too. They were bait. And both of them were around 21-ish years old-- meaning, barely legal to work at a liquor store to begin with. Within minutes, they were bombarded by drooling dudes of ALL ages-- and of both marital statuses. One of the girls, as claimed by my onlooking 30-year-old-ish friend, gave me the "go" as she came up to my work area and asked what to him seemed like an "excuse question"--Meaning, a made up a question to come swing by my area.
This caused my friend to encourage me into pursuing her. I declined and replied with things like "That ain't me" and "I've got way to much already on my plate from that realm of life"... (That was my way of saying I'm going through a divorce that I'm largely responsible for in public).. What did he do? He teased me. Said I was a "feely-kinda-guy" and that I was "the sensitive type". He even flirted with calling me a "chicken"-- Oooookay.. Rejection from a girl is hardly a big deal. And to be honest, it didn't happen often. When it did, life went on. Those 2 girls sat at their little booth for a total of three to four hours and one of them, according to my good ol' friend, eye-balled my way the entire time--- Meaning, I got teased for three to four hours by a 30-year-old male.
I tell this story for one reason: A lot of people think I am some type of womanizer. And others think some far worse things.. My question is, how the heck would you know if you're not around me or care to talk to me? Please keep your own insecurities in check. Mr. Erick has had several advances from females of ages 30 to 20 in the past few months (most of them VERBAL) and most of them in the context of partying and drinking. Where will you find me though? At home. Blogging. Reading Wikipedia. Reading theology. Sorting bills. Moving furniture. Working. Womanizer? Really? I struggle more with wanting to down a bottle in solitude. Or even depending on relational intimacy from someone I already know. Want to know about me? Ask me. I'm a sinner and will point you to my shortcomings if they please you. However, don't be mislead by what you wish I was or wasn't or by what you wish YOU were or even aren't. I'm struggling to obey Christ too.
I shouldn't care what people think. I realize this. No excuse for it. Maybe sharing this is the start of me letting it go and if it isn't then shame on me. I pray Christ continues to reveal ACTUAL areas that I should work on. Dear audience, I'm going to abruptly peace out with this: God is good.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Pain.
Ran about 2.5 miles today and felt the need to cry throughout. Tears never officially streamed but I can't deny that I stopped several times wondering why the HECK my eyes weren't crying with my heart. As I hit the final stretch of my run I became empowered with the need to sprint. I was crap tired but I couldn't fight it.. So I did. I took off. Seconds after I could hear my left knee complaining about its torn meniscus.. and then my legs yelling about stiffness and fatigue. Eventually, my entire body was chanting "STOP before you die!"... Lungs, chest, stomach and all... but I didn't stop. The pain felt good. Relieving almost. It was like I was chasing something. And if nothing else, it was distracting me from all of the pain in my heart.
I'm going through a divorce, fighting a horrible tendency towards sin, lack faith, house got broken into last week (lost upwards of a thousand dollars), immediate family is experiencing relational loses of various kinds (not just my divorce), finances have me constantly strapped to an excell spreadsheet, been officially and unofficially excommunicated from several Christian communities, lost a lot of friends, having little luck finding a second job, have no official bed or address after June, possess feelings I don't fully understand and my dog's back leg is jacked up and don't have money to fix it...
I feel like I'm drowning, to be honest. Its like a full body pain in the middle of a home stretch sprint after you've been running 2.3 miles already-- only physically doing it feels better. I know God is there-- He's ALWAYS there... but I can't feel him right now. All I can do is seek him like David did in Psalms, I guess. Sometimes, this pain makes me want to puke. Or even DRINK until I puke. I don't get where I'm at and I'm learning to be okay with that... "God's sovereign" is what I'm trying to resign to but its hard. Let's end with this cuz I'm rambling-- God is good and I WILL count all things as blessing either way... even in this pain.
I'm going through a divorce, fighting a horrible tendency towards sin, lack faith, house got broken into last week (lost upwards of a thousand dollars), immediate family is experiencing relational loses of various kinds (not just my divorce), finances have me constantly strapped to an excell spreadsheet, been officially and unofficially excommunicated from several Christian communities, lost a lot of friends, having little luck finding a second job, have no official bed or address after June, possess feelings I don't fully understand and my dog's back leg is jacked up and don't have money to fix it...
I feel like I'm drowning, to be honest. Its like a full body pain in the middle of a home stretch sprint after you've been running 2.3 miles already-- only physically doing it feels better. I know God is there-- He's ALWAYS there... but I can't feel him right now. All I can do is seek him like David did in Psalms, I guess. Sometimes, this pain makes me want to puke. Or even DRINK until I puke. I don't get where I'm at and I'm learning to be okay with that... "God's sovereign" is what I'm trying to resign to but its hard. Let's end with this cuz I'm rambling-- God is good and I WILL count all things as blessing either way... even in this pain.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Fake.
For starters... 1. I am fake and 2. It's hard to talk about this... but the obligation to do so is deep.
Truth is, I'm going through a divorce and I'm responsible. I've attempted to rectify a lot of things but have met a lot of opposition. The biggest obstacle throughout has definitely been my own sinful nature... and the second biggest obstacle has been others' tendency towards sin. All of this has made me realize that sin will choke you until you have nothing left if you don't get violent against it. Best way to combat your sin is being genuine... which is something I'm learning to do.
I've been kicked, punched, pushed, ridiculed, belittled and rejected in every way possible since March 3, 2011 at 3:03pm. I was at a wedding when this divorce process started. In one sense, I was relieved... because I knew I was about to grow from a sin that had been viciously eating my soul for 5 months... but I was also scared due to not knowing how the future would unfold...
It's been hard but its been almost 3 months since this divorce process started. I've had to stare into the mirror God has put in front of me and evaluate the man I see. When I first looked I saw a scared lying, mislead, prideful, hurt, sad, depressed and angry little boy... What do I see now? The same thing. The difference is I've learned to give every one of those things to our Great and capable Lord-- who takes my shortcomings and transforms them to glorifying gems. He is awesome :).
I'm not done with whatever I'm going through. Truth is, I'm still in it.. but at least I have the advantage of perspective and a good group of friends. Anyways, let's just close with what I've learned... I've learned that bitterness kills, guilt suffocates, faith endures, doubt clouds, love restores, truth refines, grace soothes, Jesus IS, people aren't, I am sinner and God is good...
I Love all of you. Continue to pray faithfully :)
Truth is, I'm going through a divorce and I'm responsible. I've attempted to rectify a lot of things but have met a lot of opposition. The biggest obstacle throughout has definitely been my own sinful nature... and the second biggest obstacle has been others' tendency towards sin. All of this has made me realize that sin will choke you until you have nothing left if you don't get violent against it. Best way to combat your sin is being genuine... which is something I'm learning to do.
I've been kicked, punched, pushed, ridiculed, belittled and rejected in every way possible since March 3, 2011 at 3:03pm. I was at a wedding when this divorce process started. In one sense, I was relieved... because I knew I was about to grow from a sin that had been viciously eating my soul for 5 months... but I was also scared due to not knowing how the future would unfold...
It's been hard but its been almost 3 months since this divorce process started. I've had to stare into the mirror God has put in front of me and evaluate the man I see. When I first looked I saw a scared lying, mislead, prideful, hurt, sad, depressed and angry little boy... What do I see now? The same thing. The difference is I've learned to give every one of those things to our Great and capable Lord-- who takes my shortcomings and transforms them to glorifying gems. He is awesome :).
I'm not done with whatever I'm going through. Truth is, I'm still in it.. but at least I have the advantage of perspective and a good group of friends. Anyways, let's just close with what I've learned... I've learned that bitterness kills, guilt suffocates, faith endures, doubt clouds, love restores, truth refines, grace soothes, Jesus IS, people aren't, I am sinner and God is good...
I Love all of you. Continue to pray faithfully :)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Doubt.
Today was my mom's birthday. I'm ashamed I almost forgot even AFTER my dad reminded me. Twice. Luckily, I had two clutch friends with me-- Logan and Mindy. We quickly scrambled up one of the most creative surprises ever. We came prepared with a 12 taco pack from Taco bell, a grilled stuffed burrito with a lit #9 candle, an "It's a Boy!" celebration balloon, a massive cheesecake and a Mexican accented "Happy Birthday" song. Honestly, I don't know if I've seen my mom smile like that since I was a kid. Sad really. It means I haven't cared to. Seems like I stopped caring about them over the past few years... Seems like I was caught up in making other people happy, sacrificing the back bone of my person-- my family. I'm Disappointed.
Let's get one thing said, I have very little to be personally proud of right now. I'm going through a painful divorce and I'm responsible for it. However, thats not a reflection on my family. God has been good and given me an honest, caring, genuine and CLUTCH family. When I say honest, I mean to the CORE. They don't dance around anything... and they've always been there. Not just by word, but by action. There is also no doubt in my mind that they are telling me the truth when they say something. They'll come clean even if it hurts. I think I've lost that over the past few years trying to please men. Problem with living like that: It's not genuine. It also empowers you to become trapped by doubt and lose track of faith.
This concept of doubt... Really, its crazy. And it's not that different from faith? Both imply you don't know something for sure-- or at least by physically sensible standards --you either just believe it or you don't... Ironically, there's a movie on that. It's called, "Doubt"... Anyway, I'm rambling. The point is that many people doubt me right now and with good reason. I've done it to myself. I haven't lived genuinely or by faith. I've lived by standards of others and in doubt. Thankfully, I've realized this over the past few weeks and God has lifted me. I'm still a sinner, which implies I'm still capable of great pain and evil, but I carry with me the mark of the Redeemer. Like Luther, I sin boldly. Like Paul, I seek the unseen... and truth is some doubt that. But what some call into doubt, God calls into faithfulness. I don't live by mens standards anymore but by a calling to genuine communion with the Almighty. So in closing, I just want to let one thing be known: God remains good to me. And... I'm pretty sure he's FAITHFUL to complete his work in me. Even if others doubt. Thank you, Father.
Let's get one thing said, I have very little to be personally proud of right now. I'm going through a painful divorce and I'm responsible for it. However, thats not a reflection on my family. God has been good and given me an honest, caring, genuine and CLUTCH family. When I say honest, I mean to the CORE. They don't dance around anything... and they've always been there. Not just by word, but by action. There is also no doubt in my mind that they are telling me the truth when they say something. They'll come clean even if it hurts. I think I've lost that over the past few years trying to please men. Problem with living like that: It's not genuine. It also empowers you to become trapped by doubt and lose track of faith.
This concept of doubt... Really, its crazy. And it's not that different from faith? Both imply you don't know something for sure-- or at least by physically sensible standards --you either just believe it or you don't... Ironically, there's a movie on that. It's called, "Doubt"... Anyway, I'm rambling. The point is that many people doubt me right now and with good reason. I've done it to myself. I haven't lived genuinely or by faith. I've lived by standards of others and in doubt. Thankfully, I've realized this over the past few weeks and God has lifted me. I'm still a sinner, which implies I'm still capable of great pain and evil, but I carry with me the mark of the Redeemer. Like Luther, I sin boldly. Like Paul, I seek the unseen... and truth is some doubt that. But what some call into doubt, God calls into faithfulness. I don't live by mens standards anymore but by a calling to genuine communion with the Almighty. So in closing, I just want to let one thing be known: God remains good to me. And... I'm pretty sure he's FAITHFUL to complete his work in me. Even if others doubt. Thank you, Father.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Hope.
I finally understand what it means to be guiltless and bitterless (Thank you, Nick). I finally know what it means to EXPERIENCE both grace and truth simultaneously (Thank you, Nate). I finally understand what it means to see brokenness as a blessing (Thank you, King David)... and I better understand how deep grace can go (Thank you, Jesus). I am without defense. I've done so much wrong in the past few months too. I am a depraved and incapable sinner.. capable of ALL sins under the sun. I am capable of murder, lying, adultery, hatred, bitterness, etc. Thankfully... there's hope. And it comes in the shape of grace's restoring power (Thank you, Brisben).
I'm thankful for everything. Even the pain I feel now (Thank you, Dane... for helping me see it like that). I'm much more genuine due to the ringer my decisions have put me through. I experience forgiveness at a whole new level and also ask for it with a deeper need for restoration. I'm still suspect to my sins blindness, but thats okay. Christ prevails in being my advocate and revealing to me my areas of darkness. I've had a lot of what I call "haters"... but Christ did too. And he said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do."...--- Christ loved even them.
I want to love like that. I want to forgive like that. I want to experience grace like that. Father, let my brother Jesus' payment cleanse me with your Spirit. I'm broken and putrid. Thank you for having grace. I need no other advocate. I don't need a stupid "HOPE" sign on my wall as I try to drink my sorrow away. I can experience it with simply washing my dishes with love (Thank you, Jason). Or forgiving someone who wronged me (Thank you, Mindy). Or humbling myself in forgiveness by receptively responding to the cleanse of grace through truth. I've drank, I've cried, I've trusted in just about any vice attainable with my personality. The hope that is now visible stains the memories of my failures clearly on my beloved Saviors hands and motivates me to strive forward in obedience.
In moving forward, I want to say I'm sorry... to anyone hurt by my decisions. I would also like to claim that Christ's light pushes me to seek NEW meanings to grace, love, truth, hope, passion, identity, brokenness and ANY OTHER blog titles I've done before this. God, break me when I'm stuck in my sin and let it strengthen me towards endurance (Thank you, Paul). Have pity on my soul (Thank you, Augustine). Let grace never remain cheap (Thank you, Bonhoeffer) Ladies and gents... I say God is good all the time but... Just know its been redefined. It's time to get violent with my sin (Thank you, Piper).
P.S. Thank you God for all individuals mentioned throughout... You are good.
I'm thankful for everything. Even the pain I feel now (Thank you, Dane... for helping me see it like that). I'm much more genuine due to the ringer my decisions have put me through. I experience forgiveness at a whole new level and also ask for it with a deeper need for restoration. I'm still suspect to my sins blindness, but thats okay. Christ prevails in being my advocate and revealing to me my areas of darkness. I've had a lot of what I call "haters"... but Christ did too. And he said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do."...--- Christ loved even them.
I want to love like that. I want to forgive like that. I want to experience grace like that. Father, let my brother Jesus' payment cleanse me with your Spirit. I'm broken and putrid. Thank you for having grace. I need no other advocate. I don't need a stupid "HOPE" sign on my wall as I try to drink my sorrow away. I can experience it with simply washing my dishes with love (Thank you, Jason). Or forgiving someone who wronged me (Thank you, Mindy). Or humbling myself in forgiveness by receptively responding to the cleanse of grace through truth. I've drank, I've cried, I've trusted in just about any vice attainable with my personality. The hope that is now visible stains the memories of my failures clearly on my beloved Saviors hands and motivates me to strive forward in obedience.
In moving forward, I want to say I'm sorry... to anyone hurt by my decisions. I would also like to claim that Christ's light pushes me to seek NEW meanings to grace, love, truth, hope, passion, identity, brokenness and ANY OTHER blog titles I've done before this. God, break me when I'm stuck in my sin and let it strengthen me towards endurance (Thank you, Paul). Have pity on my soul (Thank you, Augustine). Let grace never remain cheap (Thank you, Bonhoeffer) Ladies and gents... I say God is good all the time but... Just know its been redefined. It's time to get violent with my sin (Thank you, Piper).
P.S. Thank you God for all individuals mentioned throughout... You are good.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Grace.
I've been thinking about this post for several days now. I've KNOWN this was the next one. I've FELT that "Grace" would be the next point... Problem is, I can't say I know how to talk about it. I almost didn't write about it. Why? Because of how undeserving I am of it yet its being supplied to a sinner like me... this KILLS me. It's like a birthday present of the thing you've always wanted but you see how selfish and putrid you are... and you almost DON'T want it. But need it. yet don't deserve it. but would take it... Cuz it was GIVEN TO YOU... and though you may feel indebted, you shouldn't. It hasn't been given in spite... It's been given in love. A love that pierces through your condition called SINFUL-- and if you have read the last blog, you understand what that implies.
Truth is, I love God and I have experienced grace... and the further I go through this live, the harder it becomes to accept grace. I'm a disgrace... It literally brings me to tears. Why wouldn't it? God LOVES us enough to, without reason, extend unconditional love and grace. Mercy, which is not giving us what we deserve, doesn't even compare to grace (which is giving us something we DON'T deserve). Grace, if properly understood, brings you to your knees. Forget knees. It brings you to your face! Read Dietrich Bonhoeffer's, "The Cost of Discipleship." Let THAT put things into perspective. Who am I to speak of something I barely understand-- and more than anything --depend on as a security blanket due to my current state... (I SOOOO don't like the state of my heart right now).
Point is this: God is love and that provides grace. God is good and he IS. Period. End of discussion. If you are one of the blessed that see his goodness, fight through your depravity. Grace truly is the ultimate gift. I'm a tad empty right now and driven more by my feelings than mind... I don't deserve grace and it HURTS that I get it. But maybe thats where God has me. Where does God have you?
Truth is, I love God and I have experienced grace... and the further I go through this live, the harder it becomes to accept grace. I'm a disgrace... It literally brings me to tears. Why wouldn't it? God LOVES us enough to, without reason, extend unconditional love and grace. Mercy, which is not giving us what we deserve, doesn't even compare to grace (which is giving us something we DON'T deserve). Grace, if properly understood, brings you to your knees. Forget knees. It brings you to your face! Read Dietrich Bonhoeffer's, "The Cost of Discipleship." Let THAT put things into perspective. Who am I to speak of something I barely understand-- and more than anything --depend on as a security blanket due to my current state... (I SOOOO don't like the state of my heart right now).
Point is this: God is love and that provides grace. God is good and he IS. Period. End of discussion. If you are one of the blessed that see his goodness, fight through your depravity. Grace truly is the ultimate gift. I'm a tad empty right now and driven more by my feelings than mind... I don't deserve grace and it HURTS that I get it. But maybe thats where God has me. Where does God have you?
Monday, April 25, 2011
Truth.
I'm a graduate of John Brown University and have degrees in Youth Ministries and Biblical/Theological Studies (sounds cooler than it is). I was born to Mexican parents and live as a citizen of the United States. My hair is black, eyes brown, skins brown and I'm roughly a hair short of six foot tall and a meal over 200 pounds. None of these features define me, due to the fact that they are all mutable within time and space, but they nonetheless serve as truths and apply to me. Easily said. Easily accepted. Now then... I'm a murderer. I'm a liar. I'm an adulterer. I'm a hater. I'm an idolizer of other gods. I'm a sinner. Many of these things I am at heart but they're not limited to that. I'm a lot of things. I'm also renditions of the formerly mentioned. There's a LOT of sins out there. I mean, to call yourself a sinner and mean it is to fully embrace your capability to do ALL OF THEM. Or else... why call yourself a sinner at all?... I don't mean that as a personal shot but as a wake up call to the heart, intellect and soul of all in Christendom. But anyhow, back to what I was saying... I'm flat out a sinner.
Redeemed? yes, but fully depraved. Incapable of doing any good if not in pursuit of the sovereign will of God (Basically, I suck). It's a hard pill to swallow if you REALLY know what it means. The word depraved literally implies "FULLY corrupt". Now, Let me ask us all a question (by "all" I mean everyone who fancies themselves a Christian)... Do you ever defend yourself? ...Why? Why would you defend yourself at all after admitting that you're a sinner? Along with this, why would you ever condemn another sinner if in fact you both have the same disease? Would compassion and a strong need for truth and redemption not steer you towards a Christ centered grace? Do the gospels not clearly show how Christ interacted with both the Pharisees and the whores respectively?
Truth's that can be seen, like me being Mexican, are easy to accept. Truth's that are found in the soul require more faith because they aren't mutable in space like physical truths. So basically, if faith comes from God working in ones soul, is it not faithfulness to trust in the faith of another in Christendom? KIND of a side note: Knowing Christ and his truth should HURT a christian-- Especially since their faith revolves around the idea of BEING a sinner. That's why the Pharisee, who does not realize his FULL ability to sin, judges the whore but the whore does not lose sleep over the Pharisee. Nor does the whore live to see the Pharisees shortcomings. As I say this, my heart is tempted with bitterness so I should stop before I embrace it. I'm also losing track of the point I'm trying to make so let's close with this... IF you believe in Christ, believe in His Christendom (if in fact they ARE part of Christendom) and have faith that they are driven by Christ instead of just dwelling on their depravity. IF you can't do that, you must approach Christ with the condition of your heart because there's something wrong. Could be guilt... Could be bitterness. Either way, that's all I got... Word to your consciousness. God is good.
Redeemed? yes, but fully depraved. Incapable of doing any good if not in pursuit of the sovereign will of God (Basically, I suck). It's a hard pill to swallow if you REALLY know what it means. The word depraved literally implies "FULLY corrupt". Now, Let me ask us all a question (by "all" I mean everyone who fancies themselves a Christian)... Do you ever defend yourself? ...Why? Why would you defend yourself at all after admitting that you're a sinner? Along with this, why would you ever condemn another sinner if in fact you both have the same disease? Would compassion and a strong need for truth and redemption not steer you towards a Christ centered grace? Do the gospels not clearly show how Christ interacted with both the Pharisees and the whores respectively?
Truth's that can be seen, like me being Mexican, are easy to accept. Truth's that are found in the soul require more faith because they aren't mutable in space like physical truths. So basically, if faith comes from God working in ones soul, is it not faithfulness to trust in the faith of another in Christendom? KIND of a side note: Knowing Christ and his truth should HURT a christian-- Especially since their faith revolves around the idea of BEING a sinner. That's why the Pharisee, who does not realize his FULL ability to sin, judges the whore but the whore does not lose sleep over the Pharisee. Nor does the whore live to see the Pharisees shortcomings. As I say this, my heart is tempted with bitterness so I should stop before I embrace it. I'm also losing track of the point I'm trying to make so let's close with this... IF you believe in Christ, believe in His Christendom (if in fact they ARE part of Christendom) and have faith that they are driven by Christ instead of just dwelling on their depravity. IF you can't do that, you must approach Christ with the condition of your heart because there's something wrong. Could be guilt... Could be bitterness. Either way, that's all I got... Word to your consciousness. God is good.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Love.
I don't know what love means. Kinda sucks to admit, but its true. So much is involved in any "love relationship", whether it's family, romantic or friendship. Augustine, who was a crazy smart Christian philosopher, said that in any "love relationship" there is a lover, the loved and the love itself. In order to properly love someone else (the loved), the person loving (the lover) must first love themselves. He also stressed the fact that the love itself only comes from GOD (1 John 4:7-21). That's a mind trip, huh.... (Random thought but isn't it crazy that the Greeks recognized 4 different types of love? agape, philia, eros and storge?... Check 'em out sometime.)
Anyway... Augustine believed that if one of these ingredients to a "love relationship" were missing then it wasn't worthy of being called love. It was only worthy of being called an infatuation... Which means I'm one infatuated individual... and I do not love myself, others or consistently seek the Lord. How about you?
Again, let me be brief. Let us seek love-- On a personal basis, on a neighborly basis and even a communal basis. Read 1 John 4:7-21 and let it blow your mind. Until next time, word to your consciousness. God is love... which is sooo good :)
Anyway... Augustine believed that if one of these ingredients to a "love relationship" were missing then it wasn't worthy of being called love. It was only worthy of being called an infatuation... Which means I'm one infatuated individual... and I do not love myself, others or consistently seek the Lord. How about you?
Again, let me be brief. Let us seek love-- On a personal basis, on a neighborly basis and even a communal basis. Read 1 John 4:7-21 and let it blow your mind. Until next time, word to your consciousness. God is love... which is sooo good :)
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Passion.
I lost a piece of my Mexican heritage while living in this American country. Passion.
By nature, Mexican people are extremely passionate. Usually to a fault too. We are so passionate that we act impulsively. However, as I've grown up in this country, I've learned to keep my "passions in check." Americans don't like passionate people. They like productive people. In fact, that's SO evident in their churches too (slight diss). I managed to graduate high school, complete degrees in youth ministry and biblical/theological studies while doing so unpassionately (Is that even a word?). How did I come to realize all of this? It took me visiting a similarly passionate culture-- The good ol' Irish.
These people get passionate over a glass of Guinness and its beautiful. Their tradition is safely kept in their youth. Family is NATURALLY important too. There doesn't even have to be an emphasis on family like Americans try to do. I think its because the Irish are SOO driven by passion... that it just happens...
Once again, let me be brief... At what point did I personally sell out my natural Mexican passion for this American utilitarian approach? At what point did you?... IF you don't know what that word means, look it up. Take it as homework. For now... Think about what I just said. I'm out... Word to your consciousness. God is good.
By nature, Mexican people are extremely passionate. Usually to a fault too. We are so passionate that we act impulsively. However, as I've grown up in this country, I've learned to keep my "passions in check." Americans don't like passionate people. They like productive people. In fact, that's SO evident in their churches too (slight diss). I managed to graduate high school, complete degrees in youth ministry and biblical/theological studies while doing so unpassionately (Is that even a word?). How did I come to realize all of this? It took me visiting a similarly passionate culture-- The good ol' Irish.
These people get passionate over a glass of Guinness and its beautiful. Their tradition is safely kept in their youth. Family is NATURALLY important too. There doesn't even have to be an emphasis on family like Americans try to do. I think its because the Irish are SOO driven by passion... that it just happens...
Once again, let me be brief... At what point did I personally sell out my natural Mexican passion for this American utilitarian approach? At what point did you?... IF you don't know what that word means, look it up. Take it as homework. For now... Think about what I just said. I'm out... Word to your consciousness. God is good.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Identity.
Here's a Christian cliche' for you-- Find your identity in Christ.
Gah! Come on.. Seriously? Willing to bet half of these Bible drummers don't even know what that means (Includes me). I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "Identity." First off, I'm not sure I have my OWN personal identity. I tend to react based upon other peoples thoughts (basically, I do or don't do what I wanna do based on what people tell me to do). Having said this, how in the CRAP am I suppose to "lose my identity" and then "find my identity in Christ" if I don't even know what the CRAP I'm losing and finding?
Think about that. Don't just say you did. I know you didn't if you read this and it doesn't bother you. As you read me reflecting on myself, now ask yourself this-- WHO ARE YOU? Answer: You don't know either. Ever read that children's book about the little duckling called, "Who Am I?"... No? It's okay. It's been a while for me too. I've been too busy reading my bible just like every other Christian (...not).
Again.. Let's keep it brief. Who am I?... Who are you? What's "identity"? How do you lose something you don't understand, like your own identity, and then try to gain Christ's "identity"? Wild guess, but I'm pretty sure Christ's identity is prooobably harder to understand than your own insecure, sinful, pride-ridden, and UNKNOWN to you, personal identity...
Anyways, I'm out. Word to your consciousness. And by the way, God is STILL good.
Gah! Come on.. Seriously? Willing to bet half of these Bible drummers don't even know what that means (Includes me). I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "Identity." First off, I'm not sure I have my OWN personal identity. I tend to react based upon other peoples thoughts (basically, I do or don't do what I wanna do based on what people tell me to do). Having said this, how in the CRAP am I suppose to "lose my identity" and then "find my identity in Christ" if I don't even know what the CRAP I'm losing and finding?
Think about that. Don't just say you did. I know you didn't if you read this and it doesn't bother you. As you read me reflecting on myself, now ask yourself this-- WHO ARE YOU? Answer: You don't know either. Ever read that children's book about the little duckling called, "Who Am I?"... No? It's okay. It's been a while for me too. I've been too busy reading my bible just like every other Christian (...not).
Again.. Let's keep it brief. Who am I?... Who are you? What's "identity"? How do you lose something you don't understand, like your own identity, and then try to gain Christ's "identity"? Wild guess, but I'm pretty sure Christ's identity is prooobably harder to understand than your own insecure, sinful, pride-ridden, and UNKNOWN to you, personal identity...
Anyways, I'm out. Word to your consciousness. And by the way, God is STILL good.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Broken.
I've been reading Psalm 51 a lot lately.. I encourage readers to SKIM through it for full effect. As you do that, stop at verse 17-- where it says:
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit (ESV).
For more than a second, think about that. But not just to say you did. Really think about that. Is "broken" a description that individuals use to describe themselves? No. However, I'm sure you described someone else this past week with a related synonym (HAAATERS). May sound stupid, but BROKEN is where its at. That King David fellow? He was on to perhaps the most freeing revelation one could ever conceptualize in their finite and temporary, but often wrongly overhyped, human brain. He sought to be broken after BEING broken (Read Psalm 51 and its context to understand what that means). And its not like this dude was a 'tard. He had everything. He was like Lil' Wayne times 5.
Let me be brief. I'm broken and so was David. Thankfully, he was broken first soooo.. I can follow through the echoes of love he left us with (The Psalms). I'm no "Modern Psalmist" but... I am so... Keep reading. You may just learn something. By the way... God is good.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit (ESV).
For more than a second, think about that. But not just to say you did. Really think about that. Is "broken" a description that individuals use to describe themselves? No. However, I'm sure you described someone else this past week with a related synonym (HAAATERS). May sound stupid, but BROKEN is where its at. That King David fellow? He was on to perhaps the most freeing revelation one could ever conceptualize in their finite and temporary, but often wrongly overhyped, human brain. He sought to be broken after BEING broken (Read Psalm 51 and its context to understand what that means). And its not like this dude was a 'tard. He had everything. He was like Lil' Wayne times 5.
Let me be brief. I'm broken and so was David. Thankfully, he was broken first soooo.. I can follow through the echoes of love he left us with (The Psalms). I'm no "Modern Psalmist" but... I am so... Keep reading. You may just learn something. By the way... God is good.
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