Ran about 2.5 miles today and felt the need to cry throughout. Tears never officially streamed but I can't deny that I stopped several times wondering why the HECK my eyes weren't crying with my heart. As I hit the final stretch of my run I became empowered with the need to sprint. I was crap tired but I couldn't fight it.. So I did. I took off. Seconds after I could hear my left knee complaining about its torn meniscus.. and then my legs yelling about stiffness and fatigue. Eventually, my entire body was chanting "STOP before you die!"... Lungs, chest, stomach and all... but I didn't stop. The pain felt good. Relieving almost. It was like I was chasing something. And if nothing else, it was distracting me from all of the pain in my heart.
I'm going through a divorce, fighting a horrible tendency towards sin, lack faith, house got broken into last week (lost upwards of a thousand dollars), immediate family is experiencing relational loses of various kinds (not just my divorce), finances have me constantly strapped to an excell spreadsheet, been officially and unofficially excommunicated from several Christian communities, lost a lot of friends, having little luck finding a second job, have no official bed or address after June, possess feelings I don't fully understand and my dog's back leg is jacked up and don't have money to fix it...
I feel like I'm drowning, to be honest. Its like a full body pain in the middle of a home stretch sprint after you've been running 2.3 miles already-- only physically doing it feels better. I know God is there-- He's ALWAYS there... but I can't feel him right now. All I can do is seek him like David did in Psalms, I guess. Sometimes, this pain makes me want to puke. Or even DRINK until I puke. I don't get where I'm at and I'm learning to be okay with that... "God's sovereign" is what I'm trying to resign to but its hard. Let's end with this cuz I'm rambling-- God is good and I WILL count all things as blessing either way... even in this pain.
It's so easy to lose yourself and forget about God. Especially when the world is (pretty much quite literally) crashing down on you. Because God isn't a physical manifestation right in front of you, it's easy to rely on yourself. Believe me, I've had my moments. But that's the CORE of faith. Knowing God is right next to you WITHOUT him being physically and materially next to you. And it's difficult to feel him. There are very many times that I don't feel him, but I know he's there. And there's also been times of extreme desperation and depression on my side that I haven't felt him. It's a completely unnerving feeling. You begin to doubt God's love for you, whether he's really listening or cares. And that shakes faith for me like nothin else.
ReplyDeleteBut God is there. ALWAYS. Like you said. And I know he's helping you this very second. In a thousand ways you cannot even think about thinking about. And we just can't see it. We don't have that foresight. But that's also what faith is. Belief that God is taking care of us and has a plan set in motion for us. He knows our future because he's helping to create it. I find comfort in the fact that God knows every single thing I've done, am doing, and will do. I mean, stars and galaxies are formed by him SPEAKING? And he chooses to create you and me, molds us, forms us, fashions us, into HIS VERY IMAGE? Why would he go through all that and then not make sure we are taken care of? THAT'S my faith, my comfort. It's not always so strong, but it helps so much.
I pray for you man. A lot. And I cannot even imagine what you are going through. But know that you have true friends who will be there for you. I'll be there for you. And God is there. Right next to you. Every second of every day.
God Bless man
Ditto... good words Erick... soak um up...
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