Discipleship.

Play this song as you read these HUMAN spoken words: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKLER57oJpM ...As it plays, feel the unworthiness of THIS heart... Then feel the unworthiness of OUR hearts together... Then feel the grace that was provided. Then thank the Lord. Because..

He is good.

My mentor is a blessing. The disciple of His I am discipling is also a blessing. They'll meet one day. God will be glorified. God, continue to work in my heart through my mentor so that I may not lead the little one astray... I will fail. I HAVE failed. But...

He is good.

Before all of this "major life change" my BIGGEST passion was discipleship. I found worth in Him to lead his flock. I found worth in protecting the great deposit. I have been ruined by my sins though and I embrace that. The great Lord forgives me and has thankfully provided grace. The only problem resides inside of my heart, which feels completely undeserving. Nonetheless...

He is good.

I have NOTHING to gain but Christ. He has already redeemed me from my depraved state. Though people abandon, he hasn't abandoned. By the very nature of people BEING people they are sinners and will fail. You, me, them, Him... Why it surprises me is an absolute mystery really. Points at misguided faith, I think.. but let them keep leaving. They left David, ha. They left Christ-- Even though He was blameless. Truth is? Regardless of PEOPLE... HE will remain present.. and I love him. Why?...

He is good.

The holidays have been hard for me. Same goes for my mentor, who's had to work tirelessly to love on God's creations with his giftings of discernment and empathy. The holiday's have also been tough on the kat I'm discipling, for they have forced refinement. And have humbled him to a state of being... Broken. What does this say to me?...

He is good.

Inside I feel tormented by my sinful tendencies. He forgives me but I desperately wish for consistency. I wish I glorified him more... It's hard to just accept all the awful things present. I only do because he loves me through them and I WILL praise Him.

He is good.

This blog has run long. My word's are few and I pray He hold HIS power in them. Over all things, this heart yearns for Davidic authenticity, Nate-like devotion, Nick-like consistency, Matt-like love and Brent-like growth... NOTHING ELSE matters. And with a perfect 7th time I say...

HE IS GOOD.

Loneliness.

This blog seems more up and down than anything. I guess its okay. It's my true thoughts... December 20th, 2011 passed by and it felt lonelier than ever... As did Christmas eve five days later.

To be honest, I'm tired inside. I spent 2 hours today with people and the rest I spent alone. Merry Christmas huh..

I'm trying to make sense of things but the struggle to do so grows harder and harder.. God's out there but it seems like I can't feel him at times. Especially not in the form of a community... or in the form of worship...

That asshole... I guess all I can REALLY say is: ...God is good.

Send some company, would ya?

Isolation.

I get Kevie now.

She left because of the dishonesty. Wow, I should've seen that. I was dishonest in my pursuit of my own sin. Sucks to realize months and months later but better late than never. It's a shame that I lost her as a person. She may have had quirks but she was a child of the Lord...

Me realizing later than never, however, implies that God is still working in me as opposed to not working at all. I made a lot of mistakes and they have not become real to me until 18 days before the anniversary of my marriage... I am a failure in a lot of ways. I only ask God to pick this failure up. I'm asking for forgiveness...

What's ironic is my biggest fear was failure before ANY of this... I have faced it though. Trust me. More than anything, I have failed at not being a failure. And it has empowered me to see that I will always be one.

Grace, however, how amazing you are...  I apologize for the random nature of this blog but its REAL. It's a streaming thought of my true self... its nothing short of authentic... This morning, I kept yelling at God because I felt like I was losing everything and that He was leaving me alone in this. I kept yelling all kinds of things at Him...

But when it came to yelling at Him what I REALLY wanted to say-- which was "I feel alone" --I... Couldn't say it. And I thought... WHY THE HELL. I feel the presence of NO ONE but yet... I don't feel alone. Then I realized...

He was always here.

Doesn't matter if I feel him or if others are around. He's here. He's watching me be a failure. He's watching me disobey. He's watching me on the occasion that I ACTUALLY obey. He's watching me when I sleep. He's watching me when I eat and say, "I don't like praying in public cuz I feel like its all for show"... Doesn't matter what Im doing, he's WATCHING me. I could ramble and try to sound smart in all of this? But really... I just want to scream ONE THING at the top of my lungs:

HE'S HERE. And I've been a fool. Even though no one physically has been in the room at times... He's been here. Just watching me hurt Him. Over and over and over again.

Makes me beg the question... WHY are you so good?.. To me..