Doubt.

Today was my mom's birthday. I'm ashamed I almost forgot even AFTER my dad reminded me. Twice. Luckily, I had two clutch friends with me-- Logan and Mindy. We quickly scrambled up one of the most creative surprises ever. We came prepared with a 12 taco pack from Taco bell, a grilled stuffed burrito with a lit #9 candle, an "It's a Boy!" celebration balloon, a massive cheesecake and a Mexican accented "Happy Birthday" song. Honestly, I don't know if I've seen my mom smile like that since I was a kid. Sad really. It means I haven't cared to. Seems like I stopped caring about them over the past few years... Seems like I was caught up in making other people happy, sacrificing the back bone of my person-- my family. I'm Disappointed.

Let's get one thing said, I have very little to be personally proud of right now. I'm going through a painful divorce and I'm responsible for it. However, thats not a reflection on my family. God has been good and given me an honest, caring, genuine and CLUTCH family. When I say honest, I mean to the CORE. They don't dance around anything... and they've always been there. Not just by word, but by action. There is also no doubt in my mind that they are telling me the truth when they say something. They'll come clean even if it hurts. I think I've lost that over the past few years trying to please men. Problem with living like that: It's not genuine. It also empowers you to become trapped by doubt and lose track of faith.

This concept of doubt... Really, its crazy. And it's not that different from faith? Both imply you don't know something for sure-- or at least by physically sensible standards --you either just believe it or you don't... Ironically, there's a movie on that. It's called, "Doubt"... Anyway, I'm rambling. The point is that many people doubt me right now and with good reason. I've done it to myself. I haven't lived genuinely or by faith. I've lived by standards of others and in doubt. Thankfully, I've realized this over the past few weeks and God has lifted me. I'm still a sinner, which implies I'm still capable of great pain and evil, but I carry with me the mark of the Redeemer. Like Luther, I sin boldly. Like Paul, I seek the unseen... and truth is some doubt that. But what some call into doubt, God calls into faithfulness. I don't live by mens standards anymore but by a calling to genuine communion with the Almighty. So in closing, I just want to let one thing be known: God remains good to me. And... I'm pretty sure he's FAITHFUL to complete his work in me. Even if others doubt. Thank you, Father.