Value.

I'm not sure of my relationship with this word. I know that I don't see it when I look in the mirror anymore... Probably because I've been told by a lot of former active communities that my relationship with that word can only be found with the Almighty because they aren't willing to do anything in regards to association with me. I've almost become unlovable in the backyard of our nations "Bible belt".

I did an internship in New Mexico during my time in college and I have been excommunicated from that community. Asked to cut various social ties. One individual even saying that I, "tempt them towards sin".

I was shortly related, and had various connections with, a lot of the people in the states largest church body and all those relationships have slowly revealed their conditional natures. I've been deleted and blocked from facebook and social ties have also been cut.

I had connected to a church BUILT on words like "grace", "redemption" and "forgiveness" right after getting my bachelors and they too have expressed a need to keep me away from their "spiritual community"... whatever THAT means.

I'm alone. I have a handful a friends, if family members even count, and there aren't many souls on this earth willing to take me seriously. More than that, they aren't willing to talk to me like a human. It feels like I've been dehumanized actually. I could go off about how this is a horrible aspect to today's "American Christian Church" but whats the point... they'll do what they are: Sinners sin.

Lack of community is not the sole problem in my life right now, but because I'm an extrovert, its the one that sometime hurts the most. I have next to no acquaintances. Financially, I'm where you'd expect an individual to be after graduating from a private christian college. My morale is shit but deep inside I know I can't afford spending time licking my wounds. I've done wrong and have sinned and my Lord holds me accountable. Humiliation, loss of respect, loss of integrity, loss of friendships and loss of career have been fitting punishments. Unfortunately, there are those who seek for their own interpretation of justice and I have to accept their crafted consequences too. Excommunication is deemed necessary.

What is value. Is it finding pleasure in what you see in the mirror? do people actually do that? I don't. I see sinner. I understand the Image of God is fingerprinted all over us... but all I can see is the fallen apple biting sinner. The only difference between me and any other sinner in this world is that my sins were aired publicly and the attention my personhood draws build my coffin. For those who sit comfortably in their sin... be warned: The Lord is fair and punishes all sins the same. Be merciful if you wish for mercy.

I don't know how much sense this makes. I hope some... to someone... to anyone. The first chance I get, I'm moving far away from this materialistic, legalistic, business-oriented, graceless area... but will do so in effort to conquer my bitterness towards it while finding some kinds of communal acceptance. Like I said, its not the most important thing in the world...

...but it is the one that hurts the most. May God forgive all involved.