I get Kevie now.
She left because of the dishonesty. Wow, I should've seen that. I was dishonest in my pursuit of my own sin. Sucks to realize months and months later but better late than never. It's a shame that I lost her as a person. She may have had quirks but she was a child of the Lord...
Me realizing later than never, however, implies that God is still working in me as opposed to not working at all. I made a lot of mistakes and they have not become real to me until 18 days before the anniversary of my marriage... I am a failure in a lot of ways. I only ask God to pick this failure up. I'm asking for forgiveness...
What's ironic is my biggest fear was failure before ANY of this... I have faced it though. Trust me. More than anything, I have failed at not being a failure. And it has empowered me to see that I will always be one.
Grace, however, how amazing you are... I apologize for the random nature of this blog but its REAL. It's a streaming thought of my true self... its nothing short of authentic... This morning, I kept yelling at God because I felt like I was losing everything and that He was leaving me alone in this. I kept yelling all kinds of things at Him...
But when it came to yelling at Him what I REALLY wanted to say-- which was "I feel alone" --I... Couldn't say it. And I thought... WHY THE HELL. I feel the presence of NO ONE but yet... I don't feel alone. Then I realized...
He was always here.
Doesn't matter if I feel him or if others are around. He's here. He's watching me be a failure. He's watching me disobey. He's watching me on the occasion that I ACTUALLY obey. He's watching me when I sleep. He's watching me when I eat and say, "I don't like praying in public cuz I feel like its all for show"... Doesn't matter what Im doing, he's WATCHING me. I could ramble and try to sound smart in all of this? But really... I just want to scream ONE THING at the top of my lungs:
HE'S HERE. And I've been a fool. Even though no one physically has been in the room at times... He's been here. Just watching me hurt Him. Over and over and over again.
Makes me beg the question... WHY are you so good?.. To me..
You are forgetting some things He is watching. He is watching you humble yourself. He is watching you repent of your sins. He is watching you learn to be accountable for your actions. He is watching you seek Him. He is watching you grow closer to Him. He is watching you change. He is watching you fall in love with Him.
ReplyDeleteBut you have the main thing right, He is here!