Contentment.

I mean... God is good. For REAAL. I'm still a sinner that battles his grubby ol' self, but that isn't a reflection on Him. He's ALL good. And in being so, he's led me to a place of contentment. It took a twisty time frame of 4 months, but God finally showed me what the next year of life will look like. It's gonna involve some discipline, communal attention, favorable changes, and ultimately, a focus on what it means to handle success from the standpoint of being a member of the redeemed.

Since the beginning of May, I've been working at Signature Bank of Arkansas. It was truly a blessing when they called me confirming my employment and it has been a bigger blessing to be employed by them. The CEO of Signature, Gary Head, works inside the same building as I do and I can't help but comment on how he carries himself. He greets everyone. He asks them how they are doing-- and then listens. He then tries to aid ALL in any way he can too. In fact, most of our customers know they can walk in without an appointment and he will figure out a circus act to put them in his schedule that day. Not next week over coffee (ahem, pastors)... Not over lunch "sometime"... THAT DAY. During my training-- before he knew me --he told me, "Mr. Erick. Welcome to the family. I MEAN this, if there's ANYTHING I can do for you, please let me know." Really spoke to me... And to follow that up, he's still asks me that today. But Anyways, enough about Signature...

Since the beginning of June, I've been learning the trade of bar tending at this nice little classy venue and It's been extremely fun. I've met a LOT of nice/looooving people. For those Christians who have vendetta's against alcohol, please go talk with your local Presbyterian or even Lutheran pastor over the historical role of alcohol within our church history. Not to argue, but to be enlightened (most of our newer churches have no clue about our christian history). Anyways, ask them about some of our most iconic Christian fathers and see what they thought of drinking. If nothing else, check out the bible for yourself. Read Proverbs 31:1-9 and Psalms 104 (specifically verse 15). Feed your mind. But anyways, let's move on. Along with bar tending, I'm about to start working at a classy Italian restaurant as a server/bartender too. Ironically, I got this job by being really nice -- Like Christ, and to a smaller extend, Gary Head --To the owner of the place who comes by the bank all the time. Funny part is I didn't know he was the owner of anything. I just thought I was helping, meeting and greeting. Anyways, as the story goes, he eventually approached me and asked if I'd be interested in putting myself to work at his place on weekends. Now tell me, is good God? hah... it gets better.

 I checked out an "up-and-coming hip-hop scene" last night and got to rap in front of a small crowd with this other local artist and was asked to hit up this place called, "The Lit". Apparently they do an open mic rap thing at this place every Sunday night... Needless to say, I'm going. Pretty crazy, huh. To top all of this, I was also asked to be a "regularly performing act on Tuesday nights" for a soon-to-be-disclosed venue (baaaallin'). They want to start appealing to college aged people since there's 3 colleges in the area and would like me to solidify that.. Again... Didn't ask to do this, I was ASKED to do it. It's insane. From what we got to discuss, this would be something I could do regularly every Tuesday and would really pick up during the fall-- once college students got in. Make money for rapping? Nice deal, if you ask me.

All I can say about ANY of this is... God is good. I pray he keeps me focused. I'm blessed.. I have a new place, several sources of income, an active hobby, people interested in my well being and an active community. God is just sooo good... I mean, the only major need left really is a church home, which... I'll find soon :) FYI, This will be the last personal blog I do. I'm gonna stick to a different format going forward. Why?... Well, what more would you need to know that you can't ask me?-- I'm out.

Perseverance.

Perseverance. A steady persistence in a course of action, state or purpose despite difficulties, obstacles or discouragement. MAN, that sounds great out loud :) Not gonna lie, I've got R. Kelly's song, "I Believe I Can Fly," playing in the background right now with a mental picture of Michael Jordan airborne towards a basket in my head. It's epic. It makes me smile. One, because it takes me back to when I first saw the movie "Space Jam" (I was like 11 years old) and two, because it motivates me in the obvious metaphorical way. Cheesy or not, there's probably billions of people my age who can envision the same thing.

This is especially motivating because of all of the "blessings" God has poured on me in the last week, ha. I say "blessings" because thats what my sister and dad called them. Not that I don't see them as blessings, although I AM needing help spotting them lately, I just want to give credit to the people who are actively speaking truth and grace back into my heart. That's not a shot intended at anyone, although I understand that it could be perceived like that. I pray God keeps that kind of bitterness outside of my heart. Both my father and my sister have been great though. I'm proud to be part of a Franco lineage that includes a lot of strong willed, successful, smart and "stat defying" individuals. A lot of times to a fault, but nothing grace can't cover. I only know all this is true because I had to do a Genogram for one of my undergrad classes and a lot of these traits kept reoccurring. I really hope I add to this proud family (We are Franco).

Anyway, Here's where I'm at inside: I am faithless but in pursuit of the faithful one. I am prideful but in pursuit of the potter. I am a sinner but in pursuit of refinement. I am broken but in pursuit of more brokenness. May not make sense to anyone, but that's okay. Everyones going through their own process. My mood's been great though because I really HAVE had a lot of blessings poured on me as of late (check other blog for more). In general, perseverance is a hard thing... but with a good cast of God's gracious people, a willing heart and a need for perseverance ... God can bring attention to our areas of growth and empower us with the ability of perseverance. Basically, I believe I can fly-- because God does.

He's Good, huh.

Confused.

I don't want this feeling inside. It's eating me. I tried to be a bit more detailed about it in my other blog but even then I do this feeling no justice. It's massive. It's choking my heart. It's screaming for intimacy. It's screaming for vulnerability.... For transparency. How come I never yearned for this before? Have I been that selfish? Have I been that blind?... Apparently. I've built walls in my soul trying to tame insecurity, limit rejection and eliminate failure... but nothing built by the human consciousness can stop insecurity, rejection and failure from occurring. I'm an IDIOT.

All one can do is put themselves out there and seek people who love them... and in the process, do the same in return. KNOWING that insecurity, rejection and failure are inevitable. KNOWING that it will involve horrible pain and bouts with trust, faith, jealousy, anger, grace, love, self identity, envy, etc... I mean, it's like I learn more about the blog titles that I write about as I go. God's definitely leading me somewhere... Holy Father, hear me. Lead this sinner from his vices. See this heart and its wishes and grant only the ones that coincide with your will.... and KNOW that I wish I hadn't said that as I say it. Ironically... Paul says something similar in Romans 7:14-20:

"For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I don't understand my own actions. For I don't do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I don't want, I agree with the law that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me that is my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I don't do the good I want, but the evil I don't want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I don't want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells with me."

Maybe this is just a confusion stemming from a heart wrestling with the fact that God is good. Augustine was right.

Anger.

I'm FUMING.. There are several examples of Christ getting angry, right? At Peter, in the temple... Word is, he remained sinless though. I probably won't be as graceful but I'm gonna try to share my anger.. So let's do this (I hope a few select/creepy people read this in the process).

I was at work the other day and 2 extremely pretty girls from a new liquor store in town came and asked to set up a booth advertising their products. It was obvious why these 2 specific girls were sent too. They were bait. And both of them were around 21-ish years old-- meaning, barely legal to work at a liquor store to begin with. Within minutes, they were bombarded by drooling dudes of ALL ages-- and of both marital statuses. One of the girls, as claimed by my onlooking 30-year-old-ish friend, gave me the "go" as she came up to my work area and asked what to him seemed like an "excuse question"--Meaning, a made up a question to come swing by my area.

This caused my friend to encourage me into pursuing her. I declined and replied with things like "That ain't me" and "I've got way to much already on my plate from that realm of life"...  (That was my way of saying I'm going through a divorce that I'm largely responsible for in public).. What did he do? He teased me. Said I was a "feely-kinda-guy" and that I was "the sensitive type". He even flirted with calling me a "chicken"-- Oooookay.. Rejection from a girl is hardly a big deal. And to be honest, it didn't happen often. When it did, life went on. Those 2 girls sat at their little booth for a total of three to four hours and one of them, according to my good ol' friend, eye-balled my way the entire time--- Meaning, I got teased for three to four hours by a 30-year-old male.

I tell this story for one reason: A lot of people think I am some type of womanizer. And others think some far worse things.. My question is, how the heck would you know if you're not around me or care to talk to me? Please keep your own insecurities in check. Mr. Erick has had several advances from females of ages 30 to 20 in the past few months (most of them VERBAL) and most of them in the context of partying and drinking. Where will you find me though? At home. Blogging. Reading Wikipedia. Reading theology. Sorting bills. Moving furniture. Working. Womanizer? Really? I struggle more with wanting to down a bottle in solitude. Or even depending on relational intimacy from someone I already know. Want to know about me? Ask me. I'm a sinner and will point you to my shortcomings if they please you. However, don't be mislead by what you wish I was or wasn't or by what you wish YOU were or even aren't. I'm struggling to obey Christ too.

I shouldn't care what people think. I realize this. No excuse for it. Maybe sharing this is the start of me letting it go and if it isn't then shame on me. I pray Christ continues to reveal ACTUAL areas that I should work on. Dear audience, I'm going to abruptly peace out with this: God is good.

Pain.

Ran about 2.5 miles today and felt the need to cry throughout. Tears never officially streamed but I can't deny that I stopped several times wondering why the HECK my eyes weren't crying with my heart. As I hit the final stretch of my run I became empowered with the need to sprint. I was crap tired but I couldn't fight it.. So I did. I took off. Seconds after I could hear my left knee complaining about its torn meniscus.. and then my legs yelling about stiffness and fatigue. Eventually, my entire body was chanting "STOP before you die!"... Lungs, chest, stomach and all... but I didn't stop. The pain felt good. Relieving almost. It was like I was chasing something. And if nothing else, it was distracting me from all of the pain in my heart.

I'm going through a divorce, fighting a horrible tendency towards sin, lack faith, house got broken into last week (lost upwards of a thousand dollars), immediate family is experiencing relational loses of various kinds (not just my divorce), finances have me constantly strapped to an excell spreadsheet, been officially and unofficially excommunicated from several Christian communities, lost a lot of friends, having little luck finding a second job, have no official bed or address after June, possess feelings I don't fully understand and my dog's back leg is jacked up and don't have money to fix it...

I feel like I'm drowning, to be honest. Its like a full body pain in the middle of a home stretch sprint after you've been running 2.3 miles already-- only physically doing it feels better. I know God is there-- He's ALWAYS there... but I can't feel him right now. All I can do is seek him like David did in Psalms, I guess. Sometimes, this pain makes me want to puke. Or even DRINK until I puke. I don't get where I'm at and I'm learning to be okay with that... "God's sovereign" is what I'm trying to resign to but its hard. Let's end with this cuz I'm rambling-- God is good and I WILL count all things as blessing either way... even in this pain.