Fake.

For starters... 1. I am fake and 2. It's hard to talk about this... but the obligation to do so is deep.

Truth is, I'm going through a divorce and I'm responsible. I've attempted to rectify a lot of things but have met a lot of opposition. The biggest obstacle throughout has definitely been my own sinful nature... and the second biggest obstacle has been others' tendency towards sin. All of this has made me realize that sin will choke you until you have nothing left if you don't get violent against it. Best way to combat your sin is being genuine... which is something I'm learning to do.

I've been kicked, punched, pushed, ridiculed, belittled and rejected in every way possible since March 3, 2011 at 3:03pm. I was at a wedding when this divorce process started. In one sense, I was relieved... because I knew I was about to grow from a sin that had been viciously eating my soul for 5 months... but I was also scared due to not knowing how the future would unfold...

It's been hard but its been almost 3 months since this divorce process started. I've had to stare into the mirror God has put in front of me and evaluate the man I see. When I first looked I saw a scared lying, mislead, prideful, hurt, sad, depressed and angry little boy... What do I see now? The same thing. The difference is I've learned to give every one of those things to our Great and capable Lord-- who takes my shortcomings and transforms them to glorifying gems. He is awesome :).

I'm not done with whatever I'm going through. Truth is, I'm still in it.. but at least I have the advantage of perspective and a good group of friends. Anyways, let's just close with what I've learned... I've learned that bitterness kills, guilt suffocates, faith endures, doubt clouds, love restores, truth refines, grace soothes, Jesus IS, people aren't, I am sinner and God is good...

I Love all of you. Continue to pray faithfully :)

Doubt.

Today was my mom's birthday. I'm ashamed I almost forgot even AFTER my dad reminded me. Twice. Luckily, I had two clutch friends with me-- Logan and Mindy. We quickly scrambled up one of the most creative surprises ever. We came prepared with a 12 taco pack from Taco bell, a grilled stuffed burrito with a lit #9 candle, an "It's a Boy!" celebration balloon, a massive cheesecake and a Mexican accented "Happy Birthday" song. Honestly, I don't know if I've seen my mom smile like that since I was a kid. Sad really. It means I haven't cared to. Seems like I stopped caring about them over the past few years... Seems like I was caught up in making other people happy, sacrificing the back bone of my person-- my family. I'm Disappointed.

Let's get one thing said, I have very little to be personally proud of right now. I'm going through a painful divorce and I'm responsible for it. However, thats not a reflection on my family. God has been good and given me an honest, caring, genuine and CLUTCH family. When I say honest, I mean to the CORE. They don't dance around anything... and they've always been there. Not just by word, but by action. There is also no doubt in my mind that they are telling me the truth when they say something. They'll come clean even if it hurts. I think I've lost that over the past few years trying to please men. Problem with living like that: It's not genuine. It also empowers you to become trapped by doubt and lose track of faith.

This concept of doubt... Really, its crazy. And it's not that different from faith? Both imply you don't know something for sure-- or at least by physically sensible standards --you either just believe it or you don't... Ironically, there's a movie on that. It's called, "Doubt"... Anyway, I'm rambling. The point is that many people doubt me right now and with good reason. I've done it to myself. I haven't lived genuinely or by faith. I've lived by standards of others and in doubt. Thankfully, I've realized this over the past few weeks and God has lifted me. I'm still a sinner, which implies I'm still capable of great pain and evil, but I carry with me the mark of the Redeemer. Like Luther, I sin boldly. Like Paul, I seek the unseen... and truth is some doubt that. But what some call into doubt, God calls into faithfulness. I don't live by mens standards anymore but by a calling to genuine communion with the Almighty. So in closing, I just want to let one thing be known: God remains good to me. And... I'm pretty sure he's FAITHFUL to complete his work in me. Even if others doubt. Thank you, Father.

Hope.

I finally understand what it means to be guiltless and bitterless (Thank you, Nick). I finally know what it means to EXPERIENCE both grace and truth simultaneously (Thank you, Nate). I finally understand what it means to see brokenness as a blessing (Thank you, King David)... and I better understand how deep grace can go (Thank you, Jesus). I am without defense. I've done so much wrong in the past few months too. I am a depraved and incapable sinner.. capable of ALL sins under the sun. I am capable of murder, lying, adultery, hatred, bitterness, etc. Thankfully... there's hope. And it comes in the shape of grace's restoring power (Thank you, Brisben).

I'm thankful for everything. Even the pain I feel now (Thank you, Dane... for helping me see it like that). I'm much more genuine due to the ringer my decisions have put me through. I experience forgiveness at a whole new level and also ask for it with a deeper need for restoration. I'm still suspect to my sins blindness, but thats okay. Christ prevails in being my advocate and revealing to me my areas of darkness. I've had a lot of what I call "haters"... but Christ did too. And he said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do."...--- Christ loved even them.

I want to love like that. I want to forgive like that. I want to experience grace like that. Father, let my brother Jesus' payment cleanse me with your Spirit. I'm broken and putrid. Thank you for having grace. I need no other advocate. I don't need a stupid "HOPE" sign on my wall as I try to drink my sorrow away. I can experience it with simply washing my dishes with love (Thank you, Jason). Or forgiving someone who wronged me (Thank you, Mindy). Or humbling myself in forgiveness by receptively responding to the cleanse of grace through truth. I've drank, I've cried, I've trusted in just about any vice attainable with my personality. The hope that is now visible stains the memories of my failures clearly on my beloved Saviors hands and motivates me to strive forward in obedience.

In moving forward, I want to say I'm sorry... to anyone hurt by my decisions. I would also like to claim that Christ's light pushes me to seek NEW meanings to grace, love, truth, hope, passion, identity, brokenness and ANY OTHER blog titles I've done before this. God, break me when I'm stuck in my sin and let it strengthen me towards endurance (Thank you, Paul). Have pity on my soul (Thank you, Augustine). Let grace never remain cheap (Thank you, Bonhoeffer) Ladies and gents... I say God is good all the time but... Just know its been redefined. It's time to get violent with my sin (Thank you, Piper).

P.S. Thank you God for all individuals mentioned throughout... You are good.

Grace.

I've been thinking about this post for several days now. I've KNOWN this was the next one. I've FELT that "Grace" would be the next point... Problem is, I can't say I know how to talk about it. I almost didn't write about it. Why? Because of how undeserving I am of it yet its being supplied to a sinner like me... this KILLS me. It's like a birthday present of the thing you've always wanted but you see how selfish and putrid you are... and you almost DON'T want it. But need it. yet don't deserve it. but would take it... Cuz it was GIVEN TO YOU... and though you may feel indebted, you shouldn't. It hasn't been given in spite... It's been given in love. A love that pierces through your condition called SINFUL-- and if you have read the last blog, you understand what that implies.

Truth is, I love God and I have experienced grace... and the further I go through this live, the harder it becomes to accept grace. I'm a disgrace... It literally brings me to tears. Why wouldn't it? God LOVES us enough to, without reason, extend unconditional love and grace. Mercy, which is not giving us what we deserve, doesn't even compare to grace (which is giving us something we DON'T deserve). Grace, if properly understood, brings you to your knees. Forget knees. It brings you to your face! Read Dietrich Bonhoeffer's, "The Cost of Discipleship." Let THAT put things into perspective. Who am I to speak of something I barely understand-- and more than anything --depend on as a security blanket due to my current state... (I SOOOO don't like the state of my heart right now).

Point is this: God is love and that provides grace. God is good and he IS. Period. End of discussion. If you are one of the blessed that see his goodness, fight through your depravity. Grace truly is the ultimate gift. I'm a tad empty right now and driven more by my feelings than mind... I don't deserve grace and it HURTS that I get it. But maybe thats where God has me. Where does God have you?