Confused.

I don't want this feeling inside. It's eating me. I tried to be a bit more detailed about it in my other blog but even then I do this feeling no justice. It's massive. It's choking my heart. It's screaming for intimacy. It's screaming for vulnerability.... For transparency. How come I never yearned for this before? Have I been that selfish? Have I been that blind?... Apparently. I've built walls in my soul trying to tame insecurity, limit rejection and eliminate failure... but nothing built by the human consciousness can stop insecurity, rejection and failure from occurring. I'm an IDIOT.

All one can do is put themselves out there and seek people who love them... and in the process, do the same in return. KNOWING that insecurity, rejection and failure are inevitable. KNOWING that it will involve horrible pain and bouts with trust, faith, jealousy, anger, grace, love, self identity, envy, etc... I mean, it's like I learn more about the blog titles that I write about as I go. God's definitely leading me somewhere... Holy Father, hear me. Lead this sinner from his vices. See this heart and its wishes and grant only the ones that coincide with your will.... and KNOW that I wish I hadn't said that as I say it. Ironically... Paul says something similar in Romans 7:14-20:

"For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I don't understand my own actions. For I don't do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I don't want, I agree with the law that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me that is my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I don't do the good I want, but the evil I don't want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I don't want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells with me."

Maybe this is just a confusion stemming from a heart wrestling with the fact that God is good. Augustine was right.