Jealousy.

This little thing will eat you alive if you let it. Richard L. Strauss puts it like this:

"Jealousy is an ugly word... It overtones of selfishness, suspicion, and distrust, and implies a hideous resentment or hostility toward other people because they enjoy some advantage. IT is possessive, demanding, and overbearing... It stifles freedom and individuality, it degrades and demeans, it breeds tension and discord, it destroys friendships and marriages."

Now me personally, jealousy has never been something I've consistently struggled with (that may be slightly revealing as you continue reading). I've had my bouts with it but I struggle more in other areas. I have, however, witnessed first hand what it can do and I'd be lying if I didn't mention that I've been feeling it creep up on me as of late. In my workplace, in my relationships, in what I don't have... It's starting to appear. But let's look at it redemptively. Check it:


"I the Lord your God am a jealous God." - ESV

Confusing, no? Well, maybe not. Sinful jealousy seems to be a perverse version of caring like Strauss echos-- to the point where you want what you DON'T have and focus too much on others. The opposite sin then seems to be negligence which is not caring enough for others and caring only about self-- to the point of being uninvolved or unloving towards people and even unaware of their personal and societal pains.  So then, how could God be a jealous God? Well, by what WE understand jealousy to be in this world... He's not. He literally CAN'T be our form of jealousy. It's gotta be a divine jealousy 'cuz He has all of Creation and the beloved in his hands... He's not wishing to have them, he HAS them. He loves them. They will spend eternity with Him. And in contrast we know Gods not what a Deist would have you to believe-- A disconnected God that made the world and walked away from it negligently. He loves Creation so much as a whole, and specifically for His beloved, to do that!

As humanity, and more specifically as those who are His beloved, we should strive to care for others, as well as ourselves, 'til it hurts. Even attempting to put ourselves soooo deep in their shoes that we laugh when they do and cry when they do too. All the while, NEVER wanting what we don't have.. that could actually be extremely tough in such an extreme level of empathy. At the same time, remembering that not seeking after others, or self, negligently puts us in a position of unawareness to an ENTIRE aspect of God: Humans as Creation. Made in Imago Dei.

To be so deeply uninvolved with others would almost tempt us to believe that we were the extent of his Creation, don't you think? Anyone know a narcissist? Now that I think about it... overly negligent people tend to be narcissistic and over jealous people tend to have extremely low self esteem... Fancy that. To wrap up, I really believe that if we seek to understand jealousy and neglect at the same time, we can catch a glimpse of what the real root of all this is. We should care LIKE God and stray from the pitfalls that are not caring (negligence) and perversely caring (jealousy).  Especially if you claim to be one of His beloved. Love the Lord your God for he is jealous. I'm out.

Sidenote: I guess Jealousy could also be negligence of SELF?

Divorce.

December 20th, 2009 - July 19th, 2011.

Pretty sure my soul hurts.

Pretty sure I feel and felt lost in that court room. Pretty sure I sat there and watched as she laughed and giggled minutes before the judge entered and granted her our divorce. Pretty sure I kept repeating Psalms 131-1-2 as they walked out of the courtroom and as she testified. Pretty sure I cried last night as I read Psalms 32. Pretty sure I've cried this entire time. Pretty sure I've failed in this marriage. Pretty sure I've lied. Pretty sure I've hid (which is also why I cried after reading Psalms 32) and I'm pretty sure I'm tired of my sinful ways. Pretty sure I'm mad I can't control anything around me. Pretty sure a lot of people hate me. Pretty sure some of their reasons for doing so are true and pretty sure a lot of them are also not... but I'm pretty sure no one cares. And pretty sure it won't matter.

Pretty sure no one let me know what to do when the divorce was filed. Pretty sure I lost my ability to say anything, according to the legal system, 20 days after that. Pretty sure I better dive into Psalms 51 again when I get home. Pretty sure there's nothing left to confess to my Lord in what I've done. Pretty sure I did that because of Psalms 32. Pretty sure He's assured me of his love for me. Pretty sure it's enough. Pretty sure I'm learning to let go of all this. Pretty sure it'll take time. Pretty sure I'd love for people to pray for me. Pretty sure I'd appreciate for the youth pastor of Grace Community Church, Roswell, NM to stop talking about me. Pretty sure that'll be the only cheap shot I take in this blog. Pretty sure I'll regret that later. Pretty sure I regret that now...

Pretty sure my soul hurts.

Recovery.

I feel like I've been in some crazy sledge hammer accident over the last few months.

March felt like I got SMACKED with the actual sledge hammer. April felt like... Well.. like I laid on the ground unconscious BECAUSE of it. May felt like the worst hangover ever! (The kind where you wake up and can't judge or remember ANYTHING). June felt like I had to relearn how to stand up and walk again and so far July has felt like I've been trying to run on fresh injuries and they're starting to ache... (Sidenote: Doctor's have always had to tell me to take it easy after accidents and surgeries).

Who knows what August will be like...I'm willing to learn though. First things first, I gotta be on the look out for sledge hammer attacks and start carrying a bottle of Aspirin. While I'm at it, I need to stop trying to run. God's timing HAS to be enough. Scratch that, It IS enough... I'm just sinful and become misguided too... Anyways, Can I just say that I'm beyond blessed? I mean REALLY... I am. I'm still His child. I'm still part of the beloved. He still loves me and forgives me of all things... Regardless of what others may say or think...

Thats how powerful My GOD is. Or should I say... how GOOD he is.