(Sidenote: This blog is PACKED full of run-on sentences, sentence splices, careless grammatical errors and jumpy thoughts. I bring this up 'cuz it normally ANNOYS the crap out of me but its simply all I can muster right now. I apologize.)
I'm back.
But honestly I think you should know that for months now I've written and rewritten several different blogs with "catchy titles" and discontentedly deleted them without saving. Reason being: A piercing dissatisfaction with the thoughts pulsing through my brain.
And If I am to be MORE honest? I'll tell you that I've sat at work for HOURS in the last two months thinking, "I could write about this" or "I could write about that" but each time ended up staring at this computer screen with a blank face. Wordless... Idealess (if thats even a word)... Speechless... Without reference to ANYTHING! No book I just read, no brilliant epiphany I just had... nothing. Making matters worse, I've had a NASTY case of writers block musically too.
The other day I read some pastor say Pop culture is the death of true love and I almost puked in my mouth from the atrociousness of his ignorance and almost wrote a blog blasting his idea with an intellectual presentation about God's intrinsic good... but then stopped because I felt convicted. I figured he didn't know any better-- due to his feeble, ignorant mind --and he was probably more scared of how much he HIMSELF didn't know than someone ripping him...
Week later, I read another pastor try to talk about "community" and how its about acceptance and trying to get along with those around you while personally knowing his excommunicative ways -- had to let that one go too... (Similar reasons).
There was one day I came home ECSTATIC to blog about "Acceptance"... but half-way through realized I don't even accept myself so what the hell did I even know about it... So I stopped and deleted. "Purpose"... "Imitation"... "Direction"... "Potential"... all those were also titles I started writing about but then stopped in the middle of. Good titles with potential to be addressed (when I get them)... but for now can't because they draw massive BLANKS in my brain.
I think I'm unable to blog about anything due to the bitterness and heartlessness that spews from my mouth from being hurt. It doesn't even matter if I'm making a point or not anymore! its like.. I subconsciously figure that if I can't write about anything in love why try to at all. My hearts wrong... And because its wrong... I am unable to speak truth in love... I guess its fair to say that everything's simply a blur right now -- With Psalms 7 being the deepest underlying conviction I feel at all times (thats a hint for you to check it out). Quick question... Why do certain people not speak with self-conviction yet preach at others FOR conviction?... Doesn't that seem off?... Anyway..
That's what I got for now. God is STILL good.
Because hurt people hurt people. Judging others helps the judged to overlook their sin because someone else has always done something worse.
ReplyDeleteBut judging leads to religion rather than relationship. The fact that you have writer's block might indicate God wants you to listen for awhile and observe what he is doing in your life and your heart.
Write about that, just like you did here. Pour out. Make your writing a form of worship. Focus on your adoration of God for awhile. And don't delete what you write--save it as a draft. Later on you'll look back and get a good chuckle about howuch you've grown.
I agree with Terri. Utilize this blog as a place of release or make another private one where you feel you can :)
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