Divorce.

December 20th, 2009 - July 19th, 2011.

Pretty sure my soul hurts.

Pretty sure I feel and felt lost in that court room. Pretty sure I sat there and watched as she laughed and giggled minutes before the judge entered and granted her our divorce. Pretty sure I kept repeating Psalms 131-1-2 as they walked out of the courtroom and as she testified. Pretty sure I cried last night as I read Psalms 32. Pretty sure I've cried this entire time. Pretty sure I've failed in this marriage. Pretty sure I've lied. Pretty sure I've hid (which is also why I cried after reading Psalms 32) and I'm pretty sure I'm tired of my sinful ways. Pretty sure I'm mad I can't control anything around me. Pretty sure a lot of people hate me. Pretty sure some of their reasons for doing so are true and pretty sure a lot of them are also not... but I'm pretty sure no one cares. And pretty sure it won't matter.

Pretty sure no one let me know what to do when the divorce was filed. Pretty sure I lost my ability to say anything, according to the legal system, 20 days after that. Pretty sure I better dive into Psalms 51 again when I get home. Pretty sure there's nothing left to confess to my Lord in what I've done. Pretty sure I did that because of Psalms 32. Pretty sure He's assured me of his love for me. Pretty sure it's enough. Pretty sure I'm learning to let go of all this. Pretty sure it'll take time. Pretty sure I'd love for people to pray for me. Pretty sure I'd appreciate for the youth pastor of Grace Community Church, Roswell, NM to stop talking about me. Pretty sure that'll be the only cheap shot I take in this blog. Pretty sure I'll regret that later. Pretty sure I regret that now...

Pretty sure my soul hurts.